My road to recovery has just started. I thought that I would never put the words on what I felt. Somehow I am used to blocking all the hatred and any feelings that put me down. I did have a defense mechanism for anything that would put me down. But not for him. Somehow, it still hurts me that I did not, as one of my first readers here commented, note down the red flags.
I was blinded by his so much love for me. Yes, he really did love me. He was proud of me, talked about me to everyone he met, every colleague of his, every friend he had, even the women he would see on the side. Well, going back to the women, my husband made sure they knew my name and even sometimes he would want me to have a Skype call with them. of course, they would sleep in our house, hanging around the living room with their pants. Well, I got along with some women, especially those who I would say were strong and did not have malicious thoughts. I never got along with some of the women – especially the ones he really fell for hard! It would be obvious, but this was not the kind of relationship we had – at least when we started.
We were in love, very much deeply in love. As some would say – from the heavens back to the moon and the sky. Yes. We had no jealous feelings of each other. No gossip. No doing things behind each others’ backs. Well that was the first two years of our relationship. Then we got married.
It was a quick decision to marry. But yes, I wanted to! I loved this man. He supported me and encouraged me to find a better version of myself. He helped me get my self respect and self esteem, which for a long time, I did not have. Yes, he empowered me to believe I could do it. With his love for music, his intelligence, his art, his open mind, his pure love for humanity, his desire to help and change his country, the world. Together, having the same attitude, building each other, we were unstoppable. That, I will be forever grateful and thankful for. He did open my eyes to the beauty of the world – something I did not see before I met him because I had gone through a lot of abuse – sexual, emotional, physical and psychological torture from people closest to me. Especially, my father.
Now what? All the things we fought and stood for are far away. Gone with the winds. His words still sting my heart and only now do I realize, how deep I got myself into believing him so much. Trusting that he was going through rough moments – of loss of job, of being alone in a new country, of not being supported by anyone. Trusting that once those difficult moment passed you would be yourself again.
I was wrong to think so.