On the train…a new city

As I sat on the train, on my way back home after a good and fun day with my colleagues, I thought about the past. I had switched off my phone thinking it would prevent your abusive calls or messages. I was happy for three hours, surrounded by my friends. I had no worry, at least I had something that took my mind away from thinking about you.

Now, sitting here and my phone on, I find no messages or calls from you. Relieved, I  check to see if you are online. There you are! So, I am happy you are safe. I guess that’s all I need to know.

Still, I wonder why I need to know that you are safe. I quickly remembered your voice in my head. Telling me you are in my country, a strange country, fighting for us. That I needed to respect you more. That I did not understand what you have to go through.

I scroll down the text messages you sent me earlier. I cannot really understand why I was quiet for all this time. I was afraid to share with anyone. Noone would believe that you would write such ugly words to me or anyone. You called me bitch a number of times. You vowed to throw my mother to the rubbish bin. You hailed insults at my brother. You called my sister a lying stupid bastard. You called my little brother fucked up and stupid. There were no words you did not say.

You called my people in my country retarded. You made fun of them because they did not respond as you would have loved them to. Or that they did not keep their word.

You threatened me on a number of occassions to stop talking or writing. You called me disgraceful bitch. You wanted me to kneel before you and worship you.

Your words still hurt. They probably will hurt through the years. I think its enough of five years together. I learnt a lot together, you were my rock as I was yours – at least I think.

I changed, I got fed up of these abuses, I got angrier and nasty. Isomorphism? Perhaps. I started picking your behaviours. And used them against you – to defend myself. To protect myself. I shouted and raised my voice on you, when you did the same. This was new to you. You never thought I would? You never thought I would shout and lose myself.

You made me want to despise my family. To take me away from them. Not to understand them. To criticize my mother and speak down on her.

I hate it that you crossed the line. You cross the line with your mother. You call her names. I could never do that. I would never curse my mother. For you, it was okay.

Now, I am off my train, I have to walk home. My new home, far away from you. I hope I will make it here. I will survive here. I will heal and find a love that I deserve. Free of judgement.

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2 thoughts on “On the train…a new city

  1. Hey friend, five years is a long time. Be gentle with yourself. It’s hard climbing back out of that hole where you end up after years of emotional abuse, but it’s so worth it! You stop feeling like a crazy person and learn to trust yourself. You stop feeling anxiety every time you do something you don’t think they’d approve of and start to just enjoy your time with your friends.

    The memory fades but the lesson sticks with you. You learn to accept no less than you deserve. You learn to recognise red flags and warning signs. I’m rooting for you! You can do it. I promise.

    Liked by 1 person

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