Open but not so much open

Someone once asked me whether open relationships really work. I didn’t have an answer because I ask myself that question over and over again.

Can open relationships work without jealousy? Can you enjoy seeing your love with another woman or man? I did not mind the feeling at all. It kind of gave me some energy, some refreshing ideas, some comfort seeing my husband caress another woman.

Well, let’s just say from experience I was not jealous at all. Sometimes I would even prefer to go to my own room and leave him with his many lovers. On the other hand, I never felt the urge to have the same. Well, I did sleep over a couple of times with my platonic male friends while he was there. But never brought up the idea of me being with other men. I did have a couple of on and offs with other women, some women were his lovers for sure, but I really didn’t like the idea so much. I was worried about safety so I was not engaged sexually or any behaviours that would risk my health.

So when and what happened? When he started lying about his individual rendezvous. Whenever he travelled, he would meet others. He fell infatuated and maybe in love. I watched my husband fall in love with different women. I saw him getting drunk because he felt jealous that one or two of these women had their lovers. He wanted them for himself. He wanted as if to own them.

Of all the women he fell in love with over the years, I think the one that really made me perhaps jealous was the last one. Well, maybe I wasn’t jealous because I was already not so much in love with him by then. I got accustomed to his tiny lies and that made it easier for me to learn to do the same.

Well, this last one was young, intelligent and needy. Probably he felt like he would save her. She was also opinionated. I felt like she had most of my qualities, apart from being kind. She wanted him for herself. She wanted me out, real bad. She gave him good sex that we haven’t had in years. She was studying something related to what he is interested in, and therefore, of course, I guess it was good for their discussions.

Then it all started, the emotional abuse and psychological torture from him. The missing days that we would not talk to each other. I found out later this was a game. Pathological, twisted and evil kind of game rooted from complete crazily twisted mindset. Anytime they would have a fight or misunderstanding, he would project it on me. I would receive a load of messages from him telling me all sorts of things.

Now, back the question whether open relationships work. I still don’t know. What I know is he wouldn’t tell me how deep the love was and we wouldn’t discuss anymore about her. We used to before we got married. Now, we don’t. 

Finally, I did tell him I had a lover. That hurt him deeply. But what did he expect. I thought and we always talked about possibilities of meeting new people and since we were apart, not to be lonely. But I found out it was supposed to be only his side. Not my side. I could not have lovers. 

Now, that I said all these, I wonder what to tell him about my lover. I wonder how open he is to hear about this. I was open to hear about his escapedes. I even helped him get out of little heartbreaks and disappointments with his loves. I tend to think that I was a shoulder to lean on. Something tells me he doesn’t want to hear my side of things. 

I let it to you to decide whether open relationships work or not. I know from my experience, for one to workbe, there must be…

1. A small doze of jealousy – not too much but not too little

2. Total openness and kindness to accept each other as you are

3. Cut off anything that would lead to unfaithfulness or a feeling of jealousy and possession

4. Share, share and share. Never stop talking about your feelings, emotions and fantasies to each other

My journey has just began.


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