When I go missing

I go missing because I need my sanity back. I realized that sometimes life is too good to neglect all the people around you who care deeply and want the best for us. It is as if we know they care, but still want to keep ourselves in that corner and push those same people away from us.

I also realized that sometimes one can be engulfed in a cycle of deceit until it makes it difficult to believe what they say is true. Well, the other part is when one becomes a pathological liar and so calculating in many ways that this person actually is convinced that he or she is doing something good.

I want to end that cycle of deceit, hiding and blindness. Indeed, I have a blind spot. But that doesn’t mean that I fall for the very same lies that I try to avoid. Not just fall for lies, but also stop lying to the people I want to protect and keep safe. Nobody deserves that kind of life.

I will keep calm focusing on things that matter to me and my family. I know sooner or later things will come out because you cannot hide things forever. I need the strength to love and be loved again. I need the feeling I had a year ago. That tender, warm, freshly in love and full of ideas. I don’t know where I am now, but it is somewhere between denial and acceptance.

Denial, that perhaps that was too fast and feel upset that I let myself think of any possibility of things working out. Denial, that I let myself seem weak and that I would accept any less. 

Acceptance, that life must go on and that we always get attracted to different things, people etc. Maybe I also accept that I do not own him and that we should be happy falling in love over and over again. Perhaps acceptance because I am still in shit and I need to find my way out. Acceptance that life must go on.

Right now, I guess I need to focus on what brought me here. I must make things work for myself and others who will benefit from what I get out of this. A snapshot of my future? Well, let’s just say I long for true love. Despite my craziness, life has an interesting way to turn things round.

As I lay down writing this, I make myself a promise, not to fall again in and out of love. But let’s see, I am only human!

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