To be honest, I am scared. I know where my feelings are. Its gonna be a long bumpy road. I feel trapped. Just like you, her, him, they. I know we both know our feelings are not the way they were before. He says he wants to work on us. I say I want us to separate. He says let’s take time and learn to be together again. I say we already took the time we could. He says life has not been fair to him. I say life hasn’t been fair to both of us, but it depends with how we both take those shitty periods and turn it into positive. He says nothing is wrong with him. That everything is my fault. That I carry darkness within me. That my face is a face of death. I am confused. I keep quiet. I realize that it will never be his fault. I realize that it will always be my fault. I realize that it has always been a defense mechanism. I wonder how you can claim to love someone so much and completely do the opposite – hate, abuse, neglect…
He will never be wrong. He is never wrong. It’s always the other’s fault. He will never face the issues that deeply trouble him. We both know this. But of course, the love remains. I get stuck. I get scared. I say this will be it finally. I get cold feet. I swear at one point I must have felt weird even to sleep together on the same bed.
Our backs turned against each other. It’s been a week. Should I feel guilty for feeling this? I am not sure. I feel the urge to say the truth. To say I am not in love any more. All of it, but again that would destroy him. Completely. I do love him, yes, its so easy to be together, but still there are many things that pull me back. Things I cannot talk about. Things I will one day talk about. Things that are deeply troubling. Yet, here I am, free bird, free spirit, free soul. But who’s afraid to say the words. I know we talked about a girl, she texts him all the time, she makes him happy I guess, and I am okay with that. He feels someone else who makes me happy though far away from my reach emotionally. He knows and senses. He asks. I say there was someone. I don’t say the details.
Yet here we are. I will support him through these next critical steps of his life. Through worst and good times. Hoping that there will be light at the end of the tunnel. I know what we have in common is friends who love us deeply. I don’t know what I would do without them. Whatever it is in our lives they fulfill, love, sexual satisfaction, being together.
For now, I sit in the library to write my papers. I have no strength anymore. I feel like in a deep dark hole. It’s easy, they say. It’s not, I say. Never will I be in such a trap again. But I know myself really well. This will pass, quickly. I’ll get on with my usual life without a fuss. Like nothing ever happened, nothing is happening and something will happen.
Out of love, in touch.