I wept

I weep today because of the child with no shoes,

I weep because of the poor woman crying,

They took her children and shot them,

She cried and asked Jesus what it meant to be poor,

She mourned for the loss of her son shot by a stray bullet,

Shot by the ones who were meant to protect her,

I wept and mourned with her,

Went on a hunger strike with her,

I stared at my screen and didn’t write a thing,

Wondering how on earth people can be cruel to others,

Her wails made me think deeply,

They tore my heart and shred my skin,

I can still hear my mourning and screaming,

Only because she was from another ethnicity

Only because she dared to speak,

And now the government turned on her,

They called her children criminals

They said the police would deal with the criminals,

Her criminal child is ten years old

Her other criminal child is six

They claim they were going to rob a bank

I dare to speak

I will be hunted down on social media

Media is gagged and they dare not tp speak,

Because they were told not to

I am left mourning and crying

Tempted to ask this Jesus just like the woman,

Why he would allow such to happen

My people are abused and murdered

Just because they are different

I weep for the woman

I weep for my children

For what reason would I ever give them

To understand why they would do this to a child?

I weep.

To dance free and naked

Too many rules.

Too many women conforming to have some sort of protection, financial or physical. To have approval that they are beautiful or sexy or wanted. To belong to someone or to be valued through their work as wives or girlfriends.

When the patriarchal society considers you to be less deserving of their love or protection. To those whose brains are wired differently, fear always creeps in. Fear of ending up alone because those are the people you’ve known as family or friends for a long time.

I could live an entire lifetime without finding out who I am. That’s my choice. It excites me to find feelings that I never felt before. To ask questions I never dared to ask. To dream something I never thought would be possible.

I am the girl who has broken all the rules in both conservative and liberal societies. I wanted to date, love and be loved differently. I escaped the closed minded status quo. I learnt different versions of love and to be loved. I learnt to feel jealous too.

I think of mama sometimes. How she could never escape the violence or the abuse. If only she had a choice like I do now, she would be open and say Goodbye to the sad life she once knew. Was it really necessary only that her husband was allowed to be polygamous but her not?

Or perhaps become invisible. I remember once she tried to run away, and somehow she realized there was nowhere she could hide and she thought about her children.

But I did escape the circle of poverty and traditions. I ran as fast as I could. I didn’t want that life for myself. I just wanted to be free.

To live and make my own choices, good or bad and learn from the consequences. I left the village to the city. And then left the city to other cities. And then left the other cities to other countries around the world.

Running from the madness made me happier, bold and taught me never to look down on myself. I knew I would never lack money or means to take care of me and my family that I left back, as it was my responsibility. I also know my story is not unique.

So today, when someone asks me what is it in for me? I rather not answer them for they don’t understand the bigger story. They don’t understand the ways of love. They know only of a single story.

I can live through anything. Isn’t life about that? I look myself in the mirror and know that I made the right choice despite the consequences and the circumstances.

Knowing that I can live with the loneliness and isolation. Knowing that I am fighting for that daughter or son of the future. Knowing that my insecurities are those that other women like me all over the world share. Knowing that my heart and emotions are not for sale.

Because I represent a system that cannot tie me down to the narrative of the status quo. Because what drives me daily is to be an example to those who cannot escape and cannot endure what I have.

What drives me is to be a hope to my next generation of strong women who take the drivers seat.

I will go back strong and certain that the narrative will and must change. And i will be mad, angry and uncontrollable. Because no girl child deserves one story.

But I will also dance to the nice rhythm from the drums while the African sun bites through my skin.

I will dance naked to the sounds of the crickets and walk with my lovely breasts out in the open knowing that I love my womanhood. Knowing that my beauty, passion, free mindedness is pure and cannot be tied down.

Peace.

Unspoken words

Find me a heart that is not broken,

Find me a love that sees no hate,

Find me a smile that hides no pain,

Find me the unspoken words.

Show me the side that is all good,

Show me the craziness that heals,

Show me the hurt that runs deep,

Show me the unspoken words.

Tell me that the sun doesn’t shine no more,

Tell me that the raindrops don’t heal no more,

Tell me that the fire within don’t burn no more,

Tell me the unspoken words.

Correct my childish spirit lacking experience,

Correct my words that hang with a bang,

Correct the uncertainty that liveth beneath,

Correct my unspoken words.

Seek the freedom that is worth loving,

Seek the bubbles that breath kindness,

Seek the red stone bricks that are hardly sane,

Seek the unspoken words.

Drive me to the woman who shows affection and integrity,

Drive me to the man who is gentle and kind hearted,

Drive me to the child who is neglected and abandoned,

Drive into me the unspoken words.

Sleepless

The only times I am awake at this time is when I am partying or in a party mood. Well, the other times is when I obviously cannot sleep, for lack of better words. I am not in any party mood.

Yet, I am listening to this growing sounds of comfortable sleep beside me.

I look through the window and door as the day light comes through the panes.

It’s 5am, haven’t had no sleep. Feeling of emptiness. Thoughtless.

Mosquitos buzzing next to my ear and all I want is for them to draw out the blood in me. Enjoy to their dirty fill of their bloody torturous sucking dance. I swear at this time I don’t mind the ugly looking dark marks those tiny little creatures leave me with.

Yet one noise silently soothes me to sleep. It’s sacred. Loving and kind.

Not judging and supportive. I thrust my chest up to listen keenly separating carefully the elements and it’s dimensions.

I know the voice. I heard it before. It’s calm. Peaceful. There it is. One last heavy breathe.

Gone. Silence. Free.

Found this letter somewhere in my files…

Truth is I am not sure what the impact of this letter I wrote was. My partner was going through rough moments then, in terms of work, love affairs or friendships. Here we are, back at the same place. My light flickering as I got no more charge left. Part of me feels that I would write the same exact letter now. Yet, somehow something inside me turned when I was going through this letter that I wrote years ago. Chilling. Thoughtful.

One key take away for me now is importance of having someone believe in you and also learning to believe in myself.

Dear my love,

I felt like writing this to you today.

I can imagine sometimes it might feel strange and a bit undermining for you every time I’m talking about my future career plans or perhaps thoughts of next big steps for my future career or what I would like to do with my life, when you on the other hand feel like you are a bit lost or fighting for basic things – a decent job, decent friendships or even decent career. I know how it is hard sometimes when you feel that I fail to put myself in your shoes to try and understand what you feel. When all I can say is things will get better someday, sometime. That’s me, I have always been optimistic. I know that sometimes you feel uncertain of the future and the desire to make things work for yourself and me, and if it happens, our future family together, if it ever will happen. I know when it feels like when you have to say that the only thing that makes you happy is when you drink and are drunk, but at the same time fighting not to accept the demons or angels within you, which only you can fight or listen to respectively. I’m sorry for everything you have been through that makes you doubt your ways now, tomorrow or in the future. I would very much like to take those feelings away from you especially NOW. I would like to say, like I said times and times again, I do believe in you, always have and always will. I do believe that there is so much potential and so much good in you, the good that I saw and felt when I fell in love with you. The good that I see that wants to make things better, for you, for me, for the people you love and care about, and for everyone in the World. I do not know what the future holds, but I know this one thing for certain, nothing is more powerful that someone who believes in you even when you don’t believe in yourself. Someone who sees what you can do and the potential you have always had and will have. Nothing is even thousand or million times more powerful if you believe in yourself, and believe that you can make it. It is completely normal at every stage of your life if you ever feel unsure of what to do next or feeling not satisfied with your current place or situation somehow. Even millionaires, world leaders and thinkers at one point have been unsure of where they were or were headed, and then did something about it. Some still are struggling to be sure of themselves despite how much achievement in life they have. It is human nature to feel, to hurt and to want. I feel that too. Many times.

So here it is. I would love to support you all the way in many decisions that you make, or maybe inspire you, be a shoulder to lean or cry on, laugh with you at good times and cry when things do not work, figure our next big steps together as well as look together in the past and try to see what we can change or do better. At some point, we will compromise, we will fight, we will hurt each other miserably, but I don’t think of anyone I can do all these things with except with you. As one of your favourite once sang, ‘just the two of us, we can make it if we try’…

So…please, please, darling please, don’t look back too much. And even when you do, consider you have had all pleasures in life and the good times where you had no worries, and you still have many ahead especially after all you have been through – especially losing Tanya – your greatest love whom I know you’ll never stop loving. And maybe also while we are married losing your little love infatuations or affair episodes with Vanitah and Lilian, and others that their names don’t come to my mind now.

Also, with former jobs and disappointments of bad news for jobs that you had applied for. You can start all over again, with a clean slate, knowing that you have a ziel as Germans call it.

I will be here to support you in your next steps and cannot wait to be a part of it. Whatever may happen, whatever decisions we may take, I hope we do not lose the basic light that we need to take us to the next. I am happy and thankful of all the support you have given me all this time. Now, please don’t hold it against me and let not the things you have done for me or other people let you down because people would not give back the same decency and support or friendships you introduce them to. Let us never expect good for doing good.

Jump, fly and work it all out in the way you know best! And I am right behind you, ahead of you, sometimes beside you and deeply with you, all the way be it physically, emotionally, spiritually or in any possible way a partner and a soulmate can ever be.

Love,

Yours.

Calm and cool

Calm and cool you soothe my soul

Calm and blue my heart departs

Calm and deep you drill inside

You take away all the brutalness inside

Indeed I had not been gentle and kind

Departed from my tired and heavy soul

I sought freedom and life from above

I ached in kindness and love from below

Laughter was the key to our soul

Yet deep inside we felt deep anxiety

Panicked from our aching hearts

Calm and cool the waves find me

Bringing me to the shore

I don’t know where my love is

The departed spirit peeling inside

Sacred piece of intertwined webs

Chatting all the way through my heart’s arteries

When do I stop loving, start loving

For whatever is filled with passion

Would end with fragile heart disappearing

I cuddle tonight with he that calms me

I seek my fairy in the dark blue sky

For what I see and feel won’t matter at all

When I plunge into darkness

At least I saw the light and felt it

Touched it and ate it

Dreamt of it and fought for it

Lost it and found it

I learnt the game

I played the game

I won the game

But still life takes the best out of me

Makes me the person I am today

Proud of what mama made and gave me

On the plane

Somebody started sneezing

He coughed and coughed hard

And couldn’t stop

I thought he was choking

I asked if he needed some water

He replied whether he could touch my ass

That he has never seen such a well shaped ass

I was confused and shocked 

I stopped at the staircase

Wondering why me

Was it just my colour that he was not comfortable with? 

The other passengers were confused as I was

One told him that he was rude to me

And called security on him

The other two guys told me not to mind him

That he was drunk and acted ignorant

But yet here I am in a so-called developed minded world

Still struggling with such mentality

I want to feel comfortable in my own skin and my own body

I don’t know what happened to this stranger

I don’t know whom his next victim will be

But I know what happened to me inside

Breathe till your last

When it seems blurry I come to you with love. When you have more than you could chew, I find a way to make it easy. I do not have all the answers to your questions.

 I know that I loved you with more of me. I know that there was no definite name for what we felt for each other. And things happened so fast that we missed the time to learn to love fully.
And now I do not know what may become of us. Will we love again? Will we be apart? Will we learn to love again? Or will we make a love come true. 

I believed that a love so deep could never fail so quick. Well, I know that we did our best to laugh and cry at our stupid lies.

But now the salty sea captures my mind to a place so far from love or comfort. I seek the peace and freedom that the salty waters give me. 

Yet, through the saltiness and freedom, I still strongly believe of life that persists and resists hunger. Hungry mouths and eyes stare at my sacred breasts but none of them knows exactly what it feels like.

They speak failure, I speak victory. For I know what the sweet taste of merciless mind awaits my dirty mind. 

So today, breathe darling. Breathe till your last. 

Beautiful life

When I was broken, my heart pained so much. I could not find the reason to smile or even if I did, I would feel my cheekbone hurt from the force of spreading my cheeks. I read somewhere that noone knows exactly how it feels until you go through it. I started speaking out through writing, talking, observing and living. I saw my heart tear as my brain tried to explain to my hot blood what it means to love deeply. I know what it means to have and to hold, and to be in a dilemma stuck between dreams and reality.

I guess parts of my past still have a way to capture me and influence me. I understand that I heal through speaking a lot about my past but not present. 

Breath, breathe, breathing…

You feel what you feel

Fire, life, emotions, sadness and laughter

All these feelings coming at once

I lay myself on stones wondering

How did I come this far?

Shoes in the background with labels

I never really cared about labels anyway

Never really cared about wealth or poverty

It would never impress me at all

I realize all I ever wanted was happiness

Laughter, passion and good spirits

People caring for each other

Not being alone

I see old and young mix together

No shame but just living life

Alone in my thoughts I struggle to understand

The current human nature

Just how far we must go to make other people’s lives hell

Haven’t we had hell already?

Tasted, bathed and swam in it?

Haven’t we had enough of bashing and guilt tripping?

What do we gain from this endless torture?

Where is our love and laughter?

I lay down eyes closed, listening to the waves

Strong waves I hear

Strong enough to bring me to my knees

But still I want to stand straight

Something keeps me up there

Strong and steady

My legs weakening but the blood inside boiling

Ready to pour over every single detail

Burst in flames of laughter and sadness

Where is the bird that sang the beautiful love song?

Steadily I come to my final dream

Nothing really matters

Just the sea, the sand, the stones and good memories

I feel what I feel

And you feel what you feel