Birdstrike

I can’t say how it was for the birds

All the way to the engine

Sad the life ended like that

Pretty fast and quick 

Pretty little pieces of tiny feathers remain

Yet so high in the sky we remain

Our heads and brains stuck in one machine

Connected by one chain of air in the tube

It’s one of those many moments I exhale

I look back and smile with shyness

Indeed, how lucky we are for life full of laughter?

Yes, all is possible

Yes, we can! I tell myself

A life full of laughter and good spirits

C’est la vie!

She knows.

She thought I didn’t know

I knew all along and smiled at her

Invited her to dinner parties and even let her be close to him

I knew that she made him happy

I let him sleep in the same bed with her

I let him caress her and seduce her in front of my eyes

She was bubbly creature and seductive princess

I was happy when he was happy

Never for one second doubted his love for me

But here we are now

All done with our ghosts and skeletons

Time to go back to reality

Smile and fake happiness in our institution

For a sparrow will come out soon to feed

You are not

 You are not  going to turn me into something that I am not

You are not going to make me feel sad 

If I feel sad, it will not be because of you

You are not going to make me doubt myself
You are not going to turn this on me and make me the reason for your behaviour
I struggle with my emotions and already have let go

I come from a home of love despite all forms of abuse

I come from a mindset of hope and positive energy despite what you’ve gone through

I seek freedom, life and laughter and not only look back at worst moments

I desire deep love and affection and sacredness of the spirit

I need free mind coupled with the desire to explore and be anything I want to be

I know nothing can stop me from achieving my dream

Yet this little piece of puzzle makes me hesitate

I am not going to accept it to pull me down

To make me stop loving, sharing, caring

I remember the days I was truly happy and in love

I remember the days when my emotions were full of optimism and freedom

How can a love that claims to be divine habour such negativity and hurtful words

I want to fly high

I want to let go completely

Before my heart is filled with hatred and disgust

For when my heart gets to that point

There shall be no deliverance

I don’t want to hate

I don’t want to despise

I want to remember only good times

I want to remember only love

You are not going to make me hate you

You are not…

Three things I am grateful for today

Very often when faced with experience of emotional abuse or rapid venting episodes, rarely do we take time to think about the things we are grateful for. 

Today, I am grateful for a circle of friends who love me and support me. Friends who appreciate me for who I am.

Today, I am grateful that my dear friend found the love of her life and she is settling down for good. One thing she told her now financee, is that I helped her through her difficult moments in a new country. I never saw this as something that someone could consider being grateful for. So now, I am thankful when others recognize your help and support and appreciate when you are there for them.

Today, I am thankful that I can laugh and cry about one same thing – the beauty of having a tiny, little heart of an innocent baby born without hate. A baby that knows no race or religion. Pure laughter and smile that I am grateful for. Oh how I wish I was a child again!

Three things to be thankful for today.

Out of love, in touch

To be honest, I am scared. I know where my feelings are. Its gonna be a long bumpy road. I feel trapped. Just like you, her, him, they. I know we both know our feelings are not the way they were before. He says he wants to work on us. I say I want us to separate. He says let’s take time and learn to be together again. I say we already took the time we could. He says life has not been fair to him. I say life hasn’t been fair to both of us, but it depends with how we both take those shitty periods and turn it into positive. He says nothing is wrong with him. That everything is my fault. That I carry darkness within me. That my face is a face of death. I am confused. I keep quiet. I realize that it will never be his fault. I realize that it will always be my fault. I realize that it has always been a defense mechanism. I wonder how you can claim to love someone so much and completely do the opposite – hate, abuse, neglect…

He will never be wrong. He is never wrong. It’s always the other’s fault. He will never face the issues that deeply trouble him. We both know this. But of course, the love remains. I get stuck. I get scared. I say this will be it finally. I get cold feet. I swear at one point I must have felt weird even to sleep together on the same bed. 

                

Our backs turned against each other. It’s been a week. Should I feel guilty for feeling this? I am not sure. I feel the urge to say the truth. To say I am not in love any more. All of it, but again that would destroy him. Completely. I do love him, yes, its so easy to be together, but still there are many things that pull me back.  Things I cannot talk about. Things I will one day talk about. Things that are deeply troubling. Yet, here I am, free bird, free spirit, free soul. But who’s afraid to say the words. I know we talked about a girl, she texts him all the time, she makes him happy I guess, and I am okay with that. He feels someone else who makes me happy though far away from my reach emotionally. He knows and senses. He asks. I say there was someone. I don’t say the details.

Yet here we are. I will support him through these next critical steps of his life. Through worst and good times. Hoping that there will be light at the end of the tunnel. I know what we have in common is friends who love us deeply. I don’t know what I would do without them. Whatever it is in our lives they fulfill, love, sexual satisfaction, being together.

For now, I sit in the library to write my papers. I have no strength anymore. I feel like in a deep dark hole. It’s easy, they say. It’s not, I say. Never will I be in such a trap again. But I know myself really well. This will pass, quickly. I’ll get on with my usual life without a fuss. Like nothing ever happened, nothing is happening and something will happen.

Out of love, in touch. 

Be present

I learnt something over the weekend

About being present 

It doesn’t take much energy

It doesn’t need a clear mind

Doesn’t demand for courage

Just be there for someone

Talk, laugh and feel alive

Loneliness creeps in many ways

But when you are present

With someone who understands you

It makes it easy to go through

It ain’t me or you that makes it possible

It is the positive energy around

Listen to the sacred noises

They all want to see us happy

Black, white, green or yellow

Christian, Muslim or Atheist
It doesn’t matter at all in the end

What are we fighting for?

Just live, laugh and make love

Be present

Now and forever

Breakdown

Be calm… Be sure… Be you…

Those days when nothing seems alive

Crouched on my couch butt naked

Legs on the table scared to leave my door

Sinking into this unknown space and time

Plenty of noises in my head

Why think I am the only one different

Why think I deserve him, her, them

Oh they might call it self pity

Or self criticism they say

I cannot separate one from the other

My heart seeks to be at the right place

It is just the wrong time

Week away to being a year older

There used to be much more in life

The hearty laughter and smiles

The look in the eyes and through those eyes

Much more than starked memories of sadness and torture

But here I am, laying on the couch getting the sun

Thinking it is time to nurture someone else

I just do not know how and when

I am scared of the possibilities

I am scared when there are no words

When I have no more words

And when all is said and done

I yarn for the longing of true peace

True love sweet and pure

Yes, the strong hearted also loves deeply

I care more about her pain

She tells me not to worry about others

That if I wasn’t there life would still go on

She says I have to detach myself from this

I don’t know how anymore

I am truly scared but a little voice in me says…

Be calm. Be sure. Be you.

Breathe, run and escape

The only beginning

The only ending

The rains stopped

The wind starts to gush

Hush…I tell myself

I have another place to be

But my body doesn’t want to

My legs take me off the train

My heart troubled

So far from the river

Even though I need the water

To cool me off

I want to drink, I want to swim

I want to dive deep and explore

Why am I so upset and nervous

As I sink deep into my thoughts

Wreckless and desperate

I remember warm thoughts

I smile when I think of him

The instinct to make me smile

Out of crazy situation and sorrow

He gets a way to make me lay back

To breathe, to run and to escape…

Scary scars

I lay in my bed awake

I tell myself that I should be sleeping

But sleep wants me no more

Sleep deserted me and got bored of me

I would have asked why but I hesitate

Because sleep doesn’t really know why

The scary scars still visible

Some from afar

I cry at night for some covers

Neck to stiff to feel the fur

Why? Why? Why?

A question I can never answer myself

Seems to me questions become the new norm

Justification become the new direction

I cannot close the gap

I see the deep scars of hurt and pain

I touch them with bloody fingers

I squeeze the remaining kindness out

It is my fault but not entirely

Pain wakes my numb legs

Sensation is what I try to feel

But I keep on trying

This has to end

I close my eyes for a moment

Sleep crawls to my bed and wants to cuddle

Slowly I stop writing this note

I tag it and publish it

Thirty seconds later

I am in dreamland

Sleep overtook my mind

And for a moment

Numbed my scary scars