Calm and cool

Calm and cool you soothe my soul

Calm and blue my heart departs

Calm and deep you drill inside

You take away all the brutalness inside

Indeed I had not been gentle and kind

Departed from my tired and heavy soul

I sought freedom and life from above

I ached in kindness and love from below

Laughter was the key to our soul

Yet deep inside we felt deep anxiety

Panicked from our aching hearts

Calm and cool the waves find me

Bringing me to the shore

I don’t know where my love is

The departed spirit peeling inside

Sacred piece of intertwined webs

Chatting all the way through my heart’s arteries

When do I stop loving, start loving

For whatever is filled with passion

Would end with fragile heart disappearing

I cuddle tonight with he that calms me

I seek my fairy in the dark blue sky

For what I see and feel won’t matter at all

When I plunge into darkness

At least I saw the light and felt it

Touched it and ate it

Dreamt of it and fought for it

Lost it and found it

I learnt the game

I played the game

I won the game

But still life takes the best out of me

Makes me the person I am today

Proud of what mama made and gave me

Breakdown

Be calm… Be sure… Be you…

Those days when nothing seems alive

Crouched on my couch butt naked

Legs on the table scared to leave my door

Sinking into this unknown space and time

Plenty of noises in my head

Why think I am the only one different

Why think I deserve him, her, them

Oh they might call it self pity

Or self criticism they say

I cannot separate one from the other

My heart seeks to be at the right place

It is just the wrong time

Week away to being a year older

There used to be much more in life

The hearty laughter and smiles

The look in the eyes and through those eyes

Much more than starked memories of sadness and torture

But here I am, laying on the couch getting the sun

Thinking it is time to nurture someone else

I just do not know how and when

I am scared of the possibilities

I am scared when there are no words

When I have no more words

And when all is said and done

I yarn for the longing of true peace

True love sweet and pure

Yes, the strong hearted also loves deeply

I care more about her pain

She tells me not to worry about others

That if I wasn’t there life would still go on

She says I have to detach myself from this

I don’t know how anymore

I am truly scared but a little voice in me says…

Be calm. Be sure. Be you.

Scary scars

I lay in my bed awake

I tell myself that I should be sleeping

But sleep wants me no more

Sleep deserted me and got bored of me

I would have asked why but I hesitate

Because sleep doesn’t really know why

The scary scars still visible

Some from afar

I cry at night for some covers

Neck to stiff to feel the fur

Why? Why? Why?

A question I can never answer myself

Seems to me questions become the new norm

Justification become the new direction

I cannot close the gap

I see the deep scars of hurt and pain

I touch them with bloody fingers

I squeeze the remaining kindness out

It is my fault but not entirely

Pain wakes my numb legs

Sensation is what I try to feel

But I keep on trying

This has to end

I close my eyes for a moment

Sleep crawls to my bed and wants to cuddle

Slowly I stop writing this note

I tag it and publish it

Thirty seconds later

I am in dreamland

Sleep overtook my mind

And for a moment

Numbed my scary scars

Total eclipse of the heart

I liked or maybe loved too much

To see that nothing could work out between us

At first I was a free spirit

I was open about my fantasies and wants

I was truthful about my desire and needs

He knew my past and present

Even when we had to hide to freely love

Without conditions and expectations

But slowly I fell into his charms

Slowly he made so many promises he cannot seem to keep

Now I have no choice

I wonder if the spark is gone

The need to hide again comes back

I was wrong to think we could overcome this together

I was clear that I would not take his side

I meant that and will always mean it

Because despite the strength on the outside

It feels like guilt inside and all over

I cannot hold it together anymore

I know that I am crashing

Dark smoke, wind blowing and small noises are all that I hear

And yet I speak out what hurt

Because I know where I came from and where I am headed

I know that even though he says he loves me

We both know we are crashing now or soon

We can feel that our thoughts are no longer there

We can see that the carelessness has increased

The only thing that will remain is the deep feeling

I worry about her and care deeply

If you ask why I worry about her I wouldn’t tell you

For it is complex, sacred and scary

I feel just a tiny element of what she feels and carries

With so much grace and dignity

Maybe somehow I see myself in her

Such breathtaking beauty and strength

And her overwhelming love and artistic self

Looking into her eyes you see a mix of everything

I see, feel and know that she knows

Yet, with her open arms she invites me, listens and cares deeply

I am not sure I can trust again, completely

I think the other devil is out on a leash and ready to devour anything

On the other hand, I am like a zombie

Already dead from all the hurt and pain that I seem to block out

Where are we headed now?

Or is it really a total eclipse of the heart?