Fear of loving

Why should it matter,

When your heart is disturbed,

When your mind thinks of nothing else,

When your eyes have unshed tears,

Tears ready to burst into overflowing rivers,

What have I got?

Fear of being myself,

Fear of loving and caring,

Fear of twitching and beeping,

But all these feelings for what?

Sometimes it is just too hard to admit

Too hard to see what is right and wrong

Pressured to have nothing but truth

Pressure to be nothing but lies

Conditioned to hurt and not care

But for what?

Why can’t we love each other the way we know best?

Why is it a game?

When does it stop or start?

How do we make it work?

What is there for you and I?

What is there for the ones you love?

Help me understand why now

I get thrown below the waters

Sometimes makes me feel absolute mad and I drown

I think I am not worthy of your affection

Did I just self pity myself?

Made myself small, huh

Oh no, I am losing my mind

I had it altogether until then

Today I crumble

Next time a young lady like me will be in the same boat

Probably scared shit of herself and her future

Scared of her betrayal and guilt

How the world goes round

Let me not give up now

I tell myself nicely to cheer up

I won’t disagree with my feelings

It feels like shit when you confess

When you are afraid to love and be loved without conditions

I rest now

Life is a mystery

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Sunk in a deepest hole

I feel like the world is crumbling down on me,

I do not know why I feel invisible,

Scarred by the emotions of others,

Gouged by the sadness of some,

I just want all this pain to go away

All of it

I have felt alone in these years

But never this alone

It is pointless trying to be myself

To feel, to let go and be happy

When all that they will see in you

Are lies, pretense after pretense

How can you rectify such betrayal?

How can I sit across and pretend not to have feelings

Why would they not understand and see that you love them anyways

Why do you even have to try and push yourself to hurt her feelings

To make me know that it is known

What it does to me is completely crazy

I have no words of my own

I stumble and fall and get back up

I am scared and choose to hide and not come out

Locked in my room and afraid that the world might see me

I question every friendship that I make and sick and tired of all the bullshit,

The bullet went right through my eyes and I cannot see anymore,

I am blinded more than I could ever think and know,

It is time to say it, to claim myself

If I didn’t have feelings for her I wouldn’t care

If I didn’t have feelings for everyone I touch I wouldn’t really care if it was known

If I didn’t have something to lose I wouldn’t care

I want to scream so hard and so loud

Nobody will hear me

Oh no, is this when people say they are depressed?

Could I be depressed?

I just know that I am in a deep hole now

Sunken so deep that I cannot see the light