She knows.

She thought I didn’t know

I knew all along and smiled at her

Invited her to dinner parties and even let her be close to him

I knew that she made him happy

I let him sleep in the same bed with her

I let him caress her and seduce her in front of my eyes

She was bubbly creature and seductive princess

I was happy when he was happy

Never for one second doubted his love for me

But here we are now

All done with our ghosts and skeletons

Time to go back to reality

Smile and fake happiness in our institution

For a sparrow will come out soon to feed

Out of love, in touch

To be honest, I am scared. I know where my feelings are. Its gonna be a long bumpy road. I feel trapped. Just like you, her, him, they. I know we both know our feelings are not the way they were before. He says he wants to work on us. I say I want us to separate. He says let’s take time and learn to be together again. I say we already took the time we could. He says life has not been fair to him. I say life hasn’t been fair to both of us, but it depends with how we both take those shitty periods and turn it into positive. He says nothing is wrong with him. That everything is my fault. That I carry darkness within me. That my face is a face of death. I am confused. I keep quiet. I realize that it will never be his fault. I realize that it will always be my fault. I realize that it has always been a defense mechanism. I wonder how you can claim to love someone so much and completely do the opposite – hate, abuse, neglect…

He will never be wrong. He is never wrong. It’s always the other’s fault. He will never face the issues that deeply trouble him. We both know this. But of course, the love remains. I get stuck. I get scared. I say this will be it finally. I get cold feet. I swear at one point I must have felt weird even to sleep together on the same bed. 

                

Our backs turned against each other. It’s been a week. Should I feel guilty for feeling this? I am not sure. I feel the urge to say the truth. To say I am not in love any more. All of it, but again that would destroy him. Completely. I do love him, yes, its so easy to be together, but still there are many things that pull me back.  Things I cannot talk about. Things I will one day talk about. Things that are deeply troubling. Yet, here I am, free bird, free spirit, free soul. But who’s afraid to say the words. I know we talked about a girl, she texts him all the time, she makes him happy I guess, and I am okay with that. He feels someone else who makes me happy though far away from my reach emotionally. He knows and senses. He asks. I say there was someone. I don’t say the details.

Yet here we are. I will support him through these next critical steps of his life. Through worst and good times. Hoping that there will be light at the end of the tunnel. I know what we have in common is friends who love us deeply. I don’t know what I would do without them. Whatever it is in our lives they fulfill, love, sexual satisfaction, being together.

For now, I sit in the library to write my papers. I have no strength anymore. I feel like in a deep dark hole. It’s easy, they say. It’s not, I say. Never will I be in such a trap again. But I know myself really well. This will pass, quickly. I’ll get on with my usual life without a fuss. Like nothing ever happened, nothing is happening and something will happen.

Out of love, in touch. 

Be present

I learnt something over the weekend

About being present 

It doesn’t take much energy

It doesn’t need a clear mind

Doesn’t demand for courage

Just be there for someone

Talk, laugh and feel alive

Loneliness creeps in many ways

But when you are present

With someone who understands you

It makes it easy to go through

It ain’t me or you that makes it possible

It is the positive energy around

Listen to the sacred noises

They all want to see us happy

Black, white, green or yellow

Christian, Muslim or Atheist
It doesn’t matter at all in the end

What are we fighting for?

Just live, laugh and make love

Be present

Now and forever

Finding myself

When do you begin to find yourself?

When others moving on too quickly or find their happiness.

When your turn comes, you’ll let go all that made you sad and desperate

You let go all that makes you insecure

I knew and felt the rush of fever

Draining and sweating all needs

I am no different, we are not that different

Salvation comes to those who try

Desperation and attempts to salvage

Leaves us in despair

Far too subtle to feel, far too hard to grasp

Yet with devotion and love

I hear the sacred call

And turn my eyes to the other side

How do I find myself amidst all the madness?

Love policy cycle

Touch me so I can touch you

Feel me so I can feel you

Kiss me so I can kiss you

Breathe to me so I can make my breath worth it

The feeling of being so alone and scared of my thoughts

Trouble in paradise they say

But I don’t know if I ever had paradise in the first place

I ate good food though, good thoughts, good talks, good friendships

After all cycles of love is what I think of

Some rush and gut feelings and flirting

Then you set the agenda

Decide the problems to solve

Decide what solutions you’ll undertake

Decide whether to undertake those solutions or not

Check to see whether those solutions met your original expectations

If they didn’t, decide on a new set of love agenda and reformulate

If they do meet the targets, continue with the love agenda

Only this time round, reinforce it so that it is formal and stays for better or worse

Then make or not make multiple policies

Happens 

Love policy cycle…

Open but not so much open

Someone once asked me whether open relationships really work. I didn’t have an answer because I ask myself that question over and over again.

Can open relationships work without jealousy? Can you enjoy seeing your love with another woman or man? I did not mind the feeling at all. It kind of gave me some energy, some refreshing ideas, some comfort seeing my husband caress another woman.

Well, let’s just say from experience I was not jealous at all. Sometimes I would even prefer to go to my own room and leave him with his many lovers. On the other hand, I never felt the urge to have the same. Well, I did sleep over a couple of times with my platonic male friends while he was there. But never brought up the idea of me being with other men. I did have a couple of on and offs with other women, some women were his lovers for sure, but I really didn’t like the idea so much. I was worried about safety so I was not engaged sexually or any behaviours that would risk my health.

So when and what happened? When he started lying about his individual rendezvous. Whenever he travelled, he would meet others. He fell infatuated and maybe in love. I watched my husband fall in love with different women. I saw him getting drunk because he felt jealous that one or two of these women had their lovers. He wanted them for himself. He wanted as if to own them.

Of all the women he fell in love with over the years, I think the one that really made me perhaps jealous was the last one. Well, maybe I wasn’t jealous because I was already not so much in love with him by then. I got accustomed to his tiny lies and that made it easier for me to learn to do the same.

Well, this last one was young, intelligent and needy. Probably he felt like he would save her. She was also opinionated. I felt like she had most of my qualities, apart from being kind. She wanted him for herself. She wanted me out, real bad. She gave him good sex that we haven’t had in years. She was studying something related to what he is interested in, and therefore, of course, I guess it was good for their discussions.

Then it all started, the emotional abuse and psychological torture from him. The missing days that we would not talk to each other. I found out later this was a game. Pathological, twisted and evil kind of game rooted from complete crazily twisted mindset. Anytime they would have a fight or misunderstanding, he would project it on me. I would receive a load of messages from him telling me all sorts of things.

Now, back the question whether open relationships work. I still don’t know. What I know is he wouldn’t tell me how deep the love was and we wouldn’t discuss anymore about her. We used to before we got married. Now, we don’t. 

Finally, I did tell him I had a lover. That hurt him deeply. But what did he expect. I thought and we always talked about possibilities of meeting new people and since we were apart, not to be lonely. But I found out it was supposed to be only his side. Not my side. I could not have lovers. 

Now, that I said all these, I wonder what to tell him about my lover. I wonder how open he is to hear about this. I was open to hear about his escapedes. I even helped him get out of little heartbreaks and disappointments with his loves. I tend to think that I was a shoulder to lean on. Something tells me he doesn’t want to hear my side of things. 

I let it to you to decide whether open relationships work or not. I know from my experience, for one to workbe, there must be…

1. A small doze of jealousy – not too much but not too little

2. Total openness and kindness to accept each other as you are

3. Cut off anything that would lead to unfaithfulness or a feeling of jealousy and possession

4. Share, share and share. Never stop talking about your feelings, emotions and fantasies to each other

My journey has just began.