To dance free and naked

Too many rules.

Too many women conforming to have some sort of protection, financial or physical. To have approval that they are beautiful or sexy or wanted. To belong to someone or to be valued through their work as wives or girlfriends.

When the patriarchal society considers you to be less deserving of their love or protection. To those whose brains are wired differently, fear always creeps in. Fear of ending up alone because those are the people you’ve known as family or friends for a long time.

I could live an entire lifetime without finding out who I am. That’s my choice. It excites me to find feelings that I never felt before. To ask questions I never dared to ask. To dream something I never thought would be possible.

I am the girl who has broken all the rules in both conservative and liberal societies. I wanted to date, love and be loved differently. I escaped the closed minded status quo. I learnt different versions of love and to be loved. I learnt to feel jealous too.

I think of mama sometimes. How she could never escape the violence or the abuse. If only she had a choice like I do now, she would be open and say Goodbye to the sad life she once knew. Was it really necessary only that her husband was allowed to be polygamous but her not?

Or perhaps become invisible. I remember once she tried to run away, and somehow she realized there was nowhere she could hide and she thought about her children.

But I did escape the circle of poverty and traditions. I ran as fast as I could. I didn’t want that life for myself. I just wanted to be free.

To live and make my own choices, good or bad and learn from the consequences. I left the village to the city. And then left the city to other cities. And then left the other cities to other countries around the world.

Running from the madness made me happier, bold and taught me never to look down on myself. I knew I would never lack money or means to take care of me and my family that I left back, as it was my responsibility. I also know my story is not unique.

So today, when someone asks me what is it in for me? I rather not answer them for they don’t understand the bigger story. They don’t understand the ways of love. They know only of a single story.

I can live through anything. Isn’t life about that? I look myself in the mirror and know that I made the right choice despite the consequences and the circumstances.

Knowing that I can live with the loneliness and isolation. Knowing that I am fighting for that daughter or son of the future. Knowing that my insecurities are those that other women like me all over the world share. Knowing that my heart and emotions are not for sale.

Because I represent a system that cannot tie me down to the narrative of the status quo. Because what drives me daily is to be an example to those who cannot escape and cannot endure what I have.

What drives me is to be a hope to my next generation of strong women who take the drivers seat.

I will go back strong and certain that the narrative will and must change. And i will be mad, angry and uncontrollable. Because no girl child deserves one story.

But I will also dance to the nice rhythm from the drums while the African sun bites through my skin.

I will dance naked to the sounds of the crickets and walk with my lovely breasts out in the open knowing that I love my womanhood. Knowing that my beauty, passion, free mindedness is pure and cannot be tied down.

Peace.

Unspoken words

Find me a heart that is not broken,

Find me a love that sees no hate,

Find me a smile that hides no pain,

Find me the unspoken words.

Show me the side that is all good,

Show me the craziness that heals,

Show me the hurt that runs deep,

Show me the unspoken words.

Tell me that the sun doesn’t shine no more,

Tell me that the raindrops don’t heal no more,

Tell me that the fire within don’t burn no more,

Tell me the unspoken words.

Correct my childish spirit lacking experience,

Correct my words that hang with a bang,

Correct the uncertainty that liveth beneath,

Correct my unspoken words.

Seek the freedom that is worth loving,

Seek the bubbles that breath kindness,

Seek the red stone bricks that are hardly sane,

Seek the unspoken words.

Drive me to the woman who shows affection and integrity,

Drive me to the man who is gentle and kind hearted,

Drive me to the child who is neglected and abandoned,

Drive into me the unspoken words.

Sleepless

The only times I am awake at this time is when I am partying or in a party mood. Well, the other times is when I obviously cannot sleep, for lack of better words. I am not in any party mood.

Yet, I am listening to this growing sounds of comfortable sleep beside me.

I look through the window and door as the day light comes through the panes.

It’s 5am, haven’t had no sleep. Feeling of emptiness. Thoughtless.

Mosquitos buzzing next to my ear and all I want is for them to draw out the blood in me. Enjoy to their dirty fill of their bloody torturous sucking dance. I swear at this time I don’t mind the ugly looking dark marks those tiny little creatures leave me with.

Yet one noise silently soothes me to sleep. It’s sacred. Loving and kind.

Not judging and supportive. I thrust my chest up to listen keenly separating carefully the elements and it’s dimensions.

I know the voice. I heard it before. It’s calm. Peaceful. There it is. One last heavy breathe.

Gone. Silence. Free.

Found this letter somewhere in my files…

Truth is I am not sure what the impact of this letter I wrote was. My partner was going through rough moments then, in terms of work, love affairs or friendships. Here we are, back at the same place. My light flickering as I got no more charge left. Part of me feels that I would write the same exact letter now. Yet, somehow something inside me turned when I was going through this letter that I wrote years ago. Chilling. Thoughtful.

One key take away for me now is importance of having someone believe in you and also learning to believe in myself.

Dear my love,

I felt like writing this to you today.

I can imagine sometimes it might feel strange and a bit undermining for you every time I’m talking about my future career plans or perhaps thoughts of next big steps for my future career or what I would like to do with my life, when you on the other hand feel like you are a bit lost or fighting for basic things – a decent job, decent friendships or even decent career. I know how it is hard sometimes when you feel that I fail to put myself in your shoes to try and understand what you feel. When all I can say is things will get better someday, sometime. That’s me, I have always been optimistic. I know that sometimes you feel uncertain of the future and the desire to make things work for yourself and me, and if it happens, our future family together, if it ever will happen. I know when it feels like when you have to say that the only thing that makes you happy is when you drink and are drunk, but at the same time fighting not to accept the demons or angels within you, which only you can fight or listen to respectively. I’m sorry for everything you have been through that makes you doubt your ways now, tomorrow or in the future. I would very much like to take those feelings away from you especially NOW. I would like to say, like I said times and times again, I do believe in you, always have and always will. I do believe that there is so much potential and so much good in you, the good that I saw and felt when I fell in love with you. The good that I see that wants to make things better, for you, for me, for the people you love and care about, and for everyone in the World. I do not know what the future holds, but I know this one thing for certain, nothing is more powerful that someone who believes in you even when you don’t believe in yourself. Someone who sees what you can do and the potential you have always had and will have. Nothing is even thousand or million times more powerful if you believe in yourself, and believe that you can make it. It is completely normal at every stage of your life if you ever feel unsure of what to do next or feeling not satisfied with your current place or situation somehow. Even millionaires, world leaders and thinkers at one point have been unsure of where they were or were headed, and then did something about it. Some still are struggling to be sure of themselves despite how much achievement in life they have. It is human nature to feel, to hurt and to want. I feel that too. Many times.

So here it is. I would love to support you all the way in many decisions that you make, or maybe inspire you, be a shoulder to lean or cry on, laugh with you at good times and cry when things do not work, figure our next big steps together as well as look together in the past and try to see what we can change or do better. At some point, we will compromise, we will fight, we will hurt each other miserably, but I don’t think of anyone I can do all these things with except with you. As one of your favourite once sang, ‘just the two of us, we can make it if we try’…

So…please, please, darling please, don’t look back too much. And even when you do, consider you have had all pleasures in life and the good times where you had no worries, and you still have many ahead especially after all you have been through – especially losing Tanya – your greatest love whom I know you’ll never stop loving. And maybe also while we are married losing your little love infatuations or affair episodes with Vanitah and Lilian, and others that their names don’t come to my mind now.

Also, with former jobs and disappointments of bad news for jobs that you had applied for. You can start all over again, with a clean slate, knowing that you have a ziel as Germans call it.

I will be here to support you in your next steps and cannot wait to be a part of it. Whatever may happen, whatever decisions we may take, I hope we do not lose the basic light that we need to take us to the next. I am happy and thankful of all the support you have given me all this time. Now, please don’t hold it against me and let not the things you have done for me or other people let you down because people would not give back the same decency and support or friendships you introduce them to. Let us never expect good for doing good.

Jump, fly and work it all out in the way you know best! And I am right behind you, ahead of you, sometimes beside you and deeply with you, all the way be it physically, emotionally, spiritually or in any possible way a partner and a soulmate can ever be.

Love,

Yours.