Run away

I share my pain just the same way I share my joy.

I am happy and sad at equal measures.

The same intensity of my happiness is the same intensity of my sadness.

When I get to the level, I do push people I care about away.

I do not know how to love then.

I am not sure why I am fighting for something I will never have.

Why this pain? Why this torture?

Sometimes I hate myself for falling into your charms.

I despise myself for being in love yet being with other.

Lost in the forest of affection and doubt.

I reach out to those who have no idea what it feels like to love openly.

I seek them out from their hiding and laugh at myself

Is this all you’ve got woman?

Now run away from your shell and break the spell

Run away

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Last lap

Finally I did it

For all the ones who couldn’t make it

For those who found themselves in a scary pit

I traveled a road so far and bumpy

I kept the love so deep and sacred

I never felt like I did before and never will

For my complicated mind needed his reassurance

Such deep emotions and troublesome life

Yet relief sought me out fast

Voices within myself telling me to grow up

Eyes staring at me wanting me to end

I ended the suffering at the final lap

I made peace with the unknown

Jumped into a new wagon of hope

For hope is what is left to love

For such dreams still are alive deep inside

Astray they will go when I lose way

But faith shall always return me to love

Such are feelings of crippled orgasm and libido

Cravings of wild orgasms and torture

Salivate at the presence of disguised witches

For seeing through those eyes is deep enough

To understand why it is the way it is

Selectively surging and faking caress

Escaping a troubled mind

Discomfort cropping in like a thief

Regenerating the will to love and care

Oh how I want to live and learn more

Especially in my last lap to life

Sunk in a deepest hole

I feel like the world is crumbling down on me,

I do not know why I feel invisible,

Scarred by the emotions of others,

Gouged by the sadness of some,

I just want all this pain to go away

All of it

I have felt alone in these years

But never this alone

It is pointless trying to be myself

To feel, to let go and be happy

When all that they will see in you

Are lies, pretense after pretense

How can you rectify such betrayal?

How can I sit across and pretend not to have feelings

Why would they not understand and see that you love them anyways

Why do you even have to try and push yourself to hurt her feelings

To make me know that it is known

What it does to me is completely crazy

I have no words of my own

I stumble and fall and get back up

I am scared and choose to hide and not come out

Locked in my room and afraid that the world might see me

I question every friendship that I make and sick and tired of all the bullshit,

The bullet went right through my eyes and I cannot see anymore,

I am blinded more than I could ever think and know,

It is time to say it, to claim myself

If I didn’t have feelings for her I wouldn’t care

If I didn’t have feelings for everyone I touch I wouldn’t really care if it was known

If I didn’t have something to lose I wouldn’t care

I want to scream so hard and so loud

Nobody will hear me

Oh no, is this when people say they are depressed?

Could I be depressed?

I just know that I am in a deep hole now

Sunken so deep that I cannot see the light

Serenity

Suck me into the woods,

Where I hear no more sounds,

To jog and jump in the morning light,

To find my strength squashed.

Dance with me into the morning light,

Where I find my heart shredded in pieces,

And ask of whom these deeds are,

To find my sacred peace.

Stare into my eyes full of life,

Where you will find the perfect radiance,

And forget thee our mutual consent,

To seek the lost time we had.

Cover me with your lovely hands,

Where you shall disguise the hurt and pain,

And creep cowardly into the night

To dance with the gods that favour you.

Her bones, my bones

Those bones. Tired and fragile.

They have seen hunger, pain and suffering.

They have also supported heavy body and soul carrying huge amount of love that knows no end

Those bones you see fragile have shaped your face

Those bones you despise have uttered many words you never heard

I touched many bones but never have I touched these ones

Her bones tell me the story of the one who waited for a light in the end of the tunnel

Her bones speak of hurt and torture

Her bones shackle and crack without a sound

They part in ways she can never understand

The tiny little fractures and interconnectedness of a life well lived

I cannot fully comprehend why fertility even matters

For when they were fertile her womb was carved in stone and spears

For when they meant something, the world despised her with hate and anger

For when she danced with pain stricken face, her lover loathed her

But the narrative has to stand still

Perception and fulfillment in one line waiting to be served

Hurt and love on the other line waiting to nag

Sun streaming through the window and her bones stretch

Making that tiny sound

Alas! Freedom is here for those who want it

Whatever makes us who we are for the world to see

Naked we lay waiting for devotion

Times for laughter and for kindness

It seems hard nut to crack

She cannot leave, he cannot leave

We all live in this crazy world

Live, cry, laugh and beat it all

For nobody’s gonna save you from yourself

I wept

I weep today because of the child with no shoes,

I weep because of the poor woman crying,

They took her children and shot them,

She cried and asked Jesus what it meant to be poor,

She mourned for the loss of her son shot by a stray bullet,

Shot by the ones who were meant to protect her,

I wept and mourned with her,

Went on a hunger strike with her,

I stared at my screen and didn’t write a thing,

Wondering how on earth people can be cruel to others,

Her wails made me think deeply,

They tore my heart and shred my skin,

I can still hear my mourning and screaming,

Only because she was from another ethnicity

Only because she dared to speak,

And now the government turned on her,

They called her children criminals

They said the police would deal with the criminals,

Her criminal child is ten years old

Her other criminal child is six

They claim they were going to rob a bank

I dare to speak

I will be hunted down on social media

Media is gagged and they dare not tp speak,

Because they were told not to

I am left mourning and crying

Tempted to ask this Jesus just like the woman,

Why he would allow such to happen

My people are abused and murdered

Just because they are different

I weep for the woman

I weep for my children

For what reason would I ever give them

To understand why they would do this to a child?

I weep.

On the plane

Somebody started sneezing

He coughed and coughed hard

And couldn’t stop

I thought he was choking

I asked if he needed some water

He replied whether he could touch my ass

That he has never seen such a well shaped ass

I was confused and shocked 

I stopped at the staircase

Wondering why me

Was it just my colour that he was not comfortable with? 

The other passengers were confused as I was

One told him that he was rude to me

And called security on him

The other two guys told me not to mind him

That he was drunk and acted ignorant

But yet here I am in a so-called developed minded world

Still struggling with such mentality

I want to feel comfortable in my own skin and my own body

I don’t know what happened to this stranger

I don’t know whom his next victim will be

But I know what happened to me inside

Breathe till your last

When it seems blurry I come to you with love. When you have more than you could chew, I find a way to make it easy. I do not have all the answers to your questions.

 I know that I loved you with more of me. I know that there was no definite name for what we felt for each other. And things happened so fast that we missed the time to learn to love fully.
And now I do not know what may become of us. Will we love again? Will we be apart? Will we learn to love again? Or will we make a love come true. 

I believed that a love so deep could never fail so quick. Well, I know that we did our best to laugh and cry at our stupid lies.

But now the salty sea captures my mind to a place so far from love or comfort. I seek the peace and freedom that the salty waters give me. 

Yet, through the saltiness and freedom, I still strongly believe of life that persists and resists hunger. Hungry mouths and eyes stare at my sacred breasts but none of them knows exactly what it feels like.

They speak failure, I speak victory. For I know what the sweet taste of merciless mind awaits my dirty mind. 

So today, breathe darling. Breathe till your last. 

Beautiful life

When I was broken, my heart pained so much. I could not find the reason to smile or even if I did, I would feel my cheekbone hurt from the force of spreading my cheeks. I read somewhere that noone knows exactly how it feels until you go through it. I started speaking out through writing, talking, observing and living. I saw my heart tear as my brain tried to explain to my hot blood what it means to love deeply. I know what it means to have and to hold, and to be in a dilemma stuck between dreams and reality.

I guess parts of my past still have a way to capture me and influence me. I understand that I heal through speaking a lot about my past but not present. 

Breath, breathe, breathing…

Birdstrike

I can’t say how it was for the birds

All the way to the engine

Sad the life ended like that

Pretty fast and quick 

Pretty little pieces of tiny feathers remain

Yet so high in the sky we remain

Our heads and brains stuck in one machine

Connected by one chain of air in the tube

It’s one of those many moments I exhale

I look back and smile with shyness

Indeed, how lucky we are for life full of laughter?

Yes, all is possible

Yes, we can! I tell myself

A life full of laughter and good spirits

C’est la vie!