Mama

Mother’s day recently passed and was well celebrated. I saw and read posts from friends with pictures of theirthe mothers together. I also saw posts of my friends with their daughters or sons celebrating this day. 
I never once thought I’d be able to write this. But my mother went through hell to raise me and my siblings up. Even though I did and still do admire my father, for all the other reasons, he was still abusive towards my mother.

From emotional to physical abuse. All this time, he had plenty of other hot looking girlfriends working in high offices with heels while my mother  tilled the land, worked her ass off and paid for every tiny thing in the house with her meagre salary. She even took a loan to build our house. t that time, my dear father was flying high, wasting money and leaving us in debts. From hospital bills to unpaid debts.

I remember my mum’s hair was always short. She had pretty long hair and super beautiful when they were dating and even when they had me. But somehow after the third child, my father changed his attutude towards my mum and my siblings. He had another woman. He made my mama cut her hair, made me cut my hair too. He became much more angry and aggressive.

This was not the guy who at many occasions had saved our neighbours from domestic battering, had threatened to destroy another man for beating his wife or even rushed another woman suffering from celebral malaria to the hospital. Countless things he did for other people, countless offerings he poured to the church and countless children he welcomed home to watch our television – which was the village’s only TV at that time. 

Back to my mom, her job was to look awful and work hard. Shaggy with baggy clothes. Because that was how wives of people like my dad should look like in that tiny village. Moreso, if you happen to be a woman who the church says you should be a model to other women.

 I remember my mother miscarrying after my dad beat the hell out of her. I saw her bleed, ran to the neighbour to ask for help to drive her to hospital. I did not know it was what it was until later in life when I asked my mother for details of that fateful night. 

Or the other time when my mother would watch and cryI helplessly when my father beat the hell out of me for breaking a plate while washing it. She came in between us and he slapped the hell out of her as she fell on the hard floor. 

Or when she came home late from too much work in school and found my father angrily waiting for her to make him his dinner.

Ouch. These memories have a way of getting to me. 

Yet my mother stayed. She stayed for the sake of us. Also she was ashamed and embarassed that she could not leave and stay a single mother with four kids to take care of. She thought it was necessary to have a father figure for us. If she knew that he’d die later on and leave her agonizing, maybe she would have left.

My mother, she was thrown out of her fathers will for marrying my father. Her parents never agreed with her choice. She was already pregnant with me. She was cut out completely. Her parents refused to take her to college, telling her to go to her poor boyfriend and never contact them again. 

My mother, she survived the stigma and society cultural traditions which sometimes would tear her apart. She protected us from those horrible things they would say to her. She told me they were outdated.

My mother, one of the first women in my village to wear a trouser and walk down the city center, while being shouted at by village boys to leave her trouser and home for her male kids.

My mother, who loves me to death and always believed in me, even when she knew I was making a wrong turn. She never scolded me nor lack faith in me. 

My mother, my dear mother, whom now is so hard to reach because I am in another country studying to have a better life and her connection is so poor that we cannot speak even for two minutes.

My mother who gives all of herself to every kid she teaches and to their parents and to her teachers.

If ever I feel low for some reason, I remember all the strong women, like my mother who show that life is what you make out of it. Noone is responsible for your happiness. Sometimes we choose to stay in broken lives, broken families, broken relationships or marriages and we have all the reason to. One day, the pain will go away and we will be happy again. 

Mom, you made me who I am today. I am proud to be your daughter. And one day, if ever I have them kids, I hope to pass the grace, charisma, love and the strength to them. 

With love and affection.

Love policy cycle

Touch me so I can touch you

Feel me so I can feel you

Kiss me so I can kiss you

Breathe to me so I can make my breath worth it

The feeling of being so alone and scared of my thoughts

Trouble in paradise they say

But I don’t know if I ever had paradise in the first place

I ate good food though, good thoughts, good talks, good friendships

After all cycles of love is what I think of

Some rush and gut feelings and flirting

Then you set the agenda

Decide the problems to solve

Decide what solutions you’ll undertake

Decide whether to undertake those solutions or not

Check to see whether those solutions met your original expectations

If they didn’t, decide on a new set of love agenda and reformulate

If they do meet the targets, continue with the love agenda

Only this time round, reinforce it so that it is formal and stays for better or worse

Then make or not make multiple policies

Happens 

Love policy cycle…

Paolos words to me…

Be present. Make love. Make tea. Avoid small talk. Embrace conversation. Buy a plant, water it. Make your bed. Make someone else’s bed. Have a smart mouth, and quick wit. Run. Make art. Create. Swim in the ocean. Swim in the rain. Take chances. Ask questions. Make mistakes. Learn. Know your worth. Love fiercely. Forgive quickly. Let go of what doesn’t make you happy. Grow.

– Paolo Coelho

Birds

The sounds that these creatures make just to wake me up from my sleep. The grace by which they fly, glide and land when they choose to. The way they fly together. I cannot help but smile every morning when they wake me up. 

Now its different, they woke me up from my evening nap. And as I lay in my bed, I am listening, quietly and wishing I was them.

These birds don’t care if I am covered in shit or blanket or if I am scared or brave, happy or sad. I don’t think they even realize how much I wish to be like them. Stand tall and with my beak,peck all the dirt and bad things away while carefully selecting what I need and what I don’t.

Well, it is easy to say I know what I want, but those birds know best as they practically live and walk the life of being a bird.

As days go by, all I want is for you to take me to the skies and I fly away to my version of happiness. 

Birds…birds. 

Didn’t see this coming

Somehow even after going through hell in life, it is possible to attract and be attracted to some positive people in your life. Being positive and taking bad or rough things that come to you with all the positive energy you can possibly attract. Today, I am happy and appreciate all the kind people I have met in my life. Not only kind, but those who see the beauty in you, the determination, the spirit, the faults in you and the mismatch. Yet, they still treasure you for who you are.

Tonight, I lay my worries and jealousy aside and appreciate love of all kinds, measures, design, or whether it is said out of purity or not.

Tonight, I see only love, kindness and togetherness. I wish to share the same for the rest of the week and month. Love all kind and sizes.

Healing from a rugged past takes time. Along the way you get fresh wounds and in other cases, the past wounds ope again. Takes time and energy to stitch them back together.

But with love? Only a short time and all gets wiped out. Leaving no traces.

Beauty and the beast

Right now with three beautiful girls 

Two with the same names, one with a weird look

Happily speaking to me on Skype

Walking around naked before me

The other sleeping on the bed

Obviously exhausted from last nights  orgy 

The last one cooking in the kitchen

For the rest of tired and hungry looking humans

I am in another side of the world

Watching this movie alone

Obviously cannot explain what I feel

Claims of nothing happened between us

He is such a beauty inside

But a beast on the outside

Maybe vice versa

I don’t understand what they see

Those charms get them so easy

Or it is yet another game

I seem to lose it these days

I am no innocent but I do care

I have feelings which I tend to put them aside

Midday 

Fam texts me she is broke

No money for Easter, no celebration

I email a friend to sort her out

Evening, still in my bed cannot move

My mind shifts to others who have each other

I see my neighbour, alone too she is

No family, no daughter or son

She’s in the armchair

I am on the couch

We talk politics, family and friends

I swear I won’t do anything that would hurt us

These words I know best

To think that I would be the one

When you are finally alone

These things you think about deeply

Now I watch beauty and the beast

The new version does not please me

I switch my phone off

I switch my laptop off and go to sleep

I probably will stay offline for the rest of the coming days

Hope some beauty is still left inside of me

Rugged emotions

Just like I wore a rugged jeans today, my emotions and feelings are rugged. Well, I like the naked portions that you see from the outside. So I am open but not so open. Somewhere halfway. A hollow that needs to be filled. Maybe it’s alright for it to stay hollow. I don’t know if I want this hole filled up anyway. 
Nevertheless, with my rugged jeans and rugged emotions, I sat today out in the sun. With my red blanket on the grass, I put my head down to the ground to feel the earth. The tenderness, the silence, the smell of green grass went through my nostrils. I breathed in, breathed out. I felt my head move and my heart sensed it. Suddenly, I thought of him and said to myself, it is not that bad!

If he just smelled the grass, the ground, the shit, the filthy waters and saw the beauty out of my rugged emotions, just like he likes my rugged jeans.

A chat with a victim

She said,

They will always say it is your fault

They will say you started this shit

They will always say it is never their fault

They will resent you for being right

They will tell you that you don’t respect them

They will say they always have to put up with your shit

They will say you are not worth their love

They will always say they deserve much better

They will say they are the reason you exist

They will claim to even make you breathe

It is the mindset of an emotional abuser

They hate that you are strong

They know that you are very strong

Actually they get their strength from abusing you

Walk away and never look back

Cut the ties and let yourself fly into the darkness

For inside the darkness there is light and love

The one that you long for

The stars and the sound if silence that you need desperately

Claudia, but I am stuck in this cycle, I say to her

She said,

Let go. Just let go. Breathe.

Break it for the sake if your little ones

Break it for the sake of your unborn

Break the cycle because no matter how many times you fall for it again

You know that you can always get out

When I go missing

I go missing because I need my sanity back. I realized that sometimes life is too good to neglect all the people around you who care deeply and want the best for us. It is as if we know they care, but still want to keep ourselves in that corner and push those same people away from us.

I also realized that sometimes one can be engulfed in a cycle of deceit until it makes it difficult to believe what they say is true. Well, the other part is when one becomes a pathological liar and so calculating in many ways that this person actually is convinced that he or she is doing something good.

I want to end that cycle of deceit, hiding and blindness. Indeed, I have a blind spot. But that doesn’t mean that I fall for the very same lies that I try to avoid. Not just fall for lies, but also stop lying to the people I want to protect and keep safe. Nobody deserves that kind of life.

I will keep calm focusing on things that matter to me and my family. I know sooner or later things will come out because you cannot hide things forever. I need the strength to love and be loved again. I need the feeling I had a year ago. That tender, warm, freshly in love and full of ideas. I don’t know where I am now, but it is somewhere between denial and acceptance.

Denial, that perhaps that was too fast and feel upset that I let myself think of any possibility of things working out. Denial, that I let myself seem weak and that I would accept any less. 

Acceptance, that life must go on and that we always get attracted to different things, people etc. Maybe I also accept that I do not own him and that we should be happy falling in love over and over again. Perhaps acceptance because I am still in shit and I need to find my way out. Acceptance that life must go on.

Right now, I guess I need to focus on what brought me here. I must make things work for myself and others who will benefit from what I get out of this. A snapshot of my future? Well, let’s just say I long for true love. Despite my craziness, life has an interesting way to turn things round.

As I lay down writing this, I make myself a promise, not to fall again in and out of love. But let’s see, I am only human!