Sleepless

The only times I am awake at this time is when I am partying or in a party mood. Well, the other times is when I obviously cannot sleep, for lack of better words. I am not in any party mood.

Yet, I am listening to this growing sounds of comfortable sleep beside me.

I look through the window and door as the day light comes through the panes.

It’s 5am, haven’t had no sleep. Feeling of emptiness. Thoughtless.

Mosquitos buzzing next to my ear and all I want is for them to draw out the blood in me. Enjoy to their dirty fill of their bloody torturous sucking dance. I swear at this time I don’t mind the ugly looking dark marks those tiny little creatures leave me with.

Yet one noise silently soothes me to sleep. It’s sacred. Loving and kind.

Not judging and supportive. I thrust my chest up to listen keenly separating carefully the elements and it’s dimensions.

I know the voice. I heard it before. It’s calm. Peaceful. There it is. One last heavy breathe.

Gone. Silence. Free.

Found this letter somewhere in my files…

Truth is I am not sure what the impact of this letter I wrote was. My partner was going through rough moments then, in terms of work, love affairs or friendships. Here we are, back at the same place. My light flickering as I got no more charge left. Part of me feels that I would write the same exact letter now. Yet, somehow something inside me turned when I was going through this letter that I wrote years ago. Chilling. Thoughtful.

One key take away for me now is importance of having someone believe in you and also learning to believe in myself.

Dear my love,

I felt like writing this to you today.

I can imagine sometimes it might feel strange and a bit undermining for you every time I’m talking about my future career plans or perhaps thoughts of next big steps for my future career or what I would like to do with my life, when you on the other hand feel like you are a bit lost or fighting for basic things – a decent job, decent friendships or even decent career. I know how it is hard sometimes when you feel that I fail to put myself in your shoes to try and understand what you feel. When all I can say is things will get better someday, sometime. That’s me, I have always been optimistic. I know that sometimes you feel uncertain of the future and the desire to make things work for yourself and me, and if it happens, our future family together, if it ever will happen. I know when it feels like when you have to say that the only thing that makes you happy is when you drink and are drunk, but at the same time fighting not to accept the demons or angels within you, which only you can fight or listen to respectively. I’m sorry for everything you have been through that makes you doubt your ways now, tomorrow or in the future. I would very much like to take those feelings away from you especially NOW. I would like to say, like I said times and times again, I do believe in you, always have and always will. I do believe that there is so much potential and so much good in you, the good that I saw and felt when I fell in love with you. The good that I see that wants to make things better, for you, for me, for the people you love and care about, and for everyone in the World. I do not know what the future holds, but I know this one thing for certain, nothing is more powerful that someone who believes in you even when you don’t believe in yourself. Someone who sees what you can do and the potential you have always had and will have. Nothing is even thousand or million times more powerful if you believe in yourself, and believe that you can make it. It is completely normal at every stage of your life if you ever feel unsure of what to do next or feeling not satisfied with your current place or situation somehow. Even millionaires, world leaders and thinkers at one point have been unsure of where they were or were headed, and then did something about it. Some still are struggling to be sure of themselves despite how much achievement in life they have. It is human nature to feel, to hurt and to want. I feel that too. Many times.

So here it is. I would love to support you all the way in many decisions that you make, or maybe inspire you, be a shoulder to lean or cry on, laugh with you at good times and cry when things do not work, figure our next big steps together as well as look together in the past and try to see what we can change or do better. At some point, we will compromise, we will fight, we will hurt each other miserably, but I don’t think of anyone I can do all these things with except with you. As one of your favourite once sang, ‘just the two of us, we can make it if we try’…

So…please, please, darling please, don’t look back too much. And even when you do, consider you have had all pleasures in life and the good times where you had no worries, and you still have many ahead especially after all you have been through – especially losing Tanya – your greatest love whom I know you’ll never stop loving. And maybe also while we are married losing your little love infatuations or affair episodes with Vanitah and Lilian, and others that their names don’t come to my mind now.

Also, with former jobs and disappointments of bad news for jobs that you had applied for. You can start all over again, with a clean slate, knowing that you have a ziel as Germans call it.

I will be here to support you in your next steps and cannot wait to be a part of it. Whatever may happen, whatever decisions we may take, I hope we do not lose the basic light that we need to take us to the next. I am happy and thankful of all the support you have given me all this time. Now, please don’t hold it against me and let not the things you have done for me or other people let you down because people would not give back the same decency and support or friendships you introduce them to. Let us never expect good for doing good.

Jump, fly and work it all out in the way you know best! And I am right behind you, ahead of you, sometimes beside you and deeply with you, all the way be it physically, emotionally, spiritually or in any possible way a partner and a soulmate can ever be.

Love,

Yours.

Calm and cool

Calm and cool you soothe my soul

Calm and blue my heart departs

Calm and deep you drill inside

You take away all the brutalness inside

Indeed I had not been gentle and kind

Departed from my tired and heavy soul

I sought freedom and life from above

I ached in kindness and love from below

Laughter was the key to our soul

Yet deep inside we felt deep anxiety

Panicked from our aching hearts

Calm and cool the waves find me

Bringing me to the shore

I don’t know where my love is

The departed spirit peeling inside

Sacred piece of intertwined webs

Chatting all the way through my heart’s arteries

When do I stop loving, start loving

For whatever is filled with passion

Would end with fragile heart disappearing

I cuddle tonight with he that calms me

I seek my fairy in the dark blue sky

For what I see and feel won’t matter at all

When I plunge into darkness

At least I saw the light and felt it

Touched it and ate it

Dreamt of it and fought for it

Lost it and found it

I learnt the game

I played the game

I won the game

But still life takes the best out of me

Makes me the person I am today

Proud of what mama made and gave me

On the plane

Somebody started sneezing

He coughed and coughed hard

And couldn’t stop

I thought he was choking

I asked if he needed some water

He replied whether he could touch my ass

That he has never seen such a well shaped ass

I was confused and shocked 

I stopped at the staircase

Wondering why me

Was it just my colour that he was not comfortable with? 

The other passengers were confused as I was

One told him that he was rude to me

And called security on him

The other two guys told me not to mind him

That he was drunk and acted ignorant

But yet here I am in a so-called developed minded world

Still struggling with such mentality

I want to feel comfortable in my own skin and my own body

I don’t know what happened to this stranger

I don’t know whom his next victim will be

But I know what happened to me inside

Breathe till your last

When it seems blurry I come to you with love. When you have more than you could chew, I find a way to make it easy. I do not have all the answers to your questions.

 I know that I loved you with more of me. I know that there was no definite name for what we felt for each other. And things happened so fast that we missed the time to learn to love fully.
And now I do not know what may become of us. Will we love again? Will we be apart? Will we learn to love again? Or will we make a love come true. 

I believed that a love so deep could never fail so quick. Well, I know that we did our best to laugh and cry at our stupid lies.

But now the salty sea captures my mind to a place so far from love or comfort. I seek the peace and freedom that the salty waters give me. 

Yet, through the saltiness and freedom, I still strongly believe of life that persists and resists hunger. Hungry mouths and eyes stare at my sacred breasts but none of them knows exactly what it feels like.

They speak failure, I speak victory. For I know what the sweet taste of merciless mind awaits my dirty mind. 

So today, breathe darling. Breathe till your last. 

Beautiful life

When I was broken, my heart pained so much. I could not find the reason to smile or even if I did, I would feel my cheekbone hurt from the force of spreading my cheeks. I read somewhere that noone knows exactly how it feels until you go through it. I started speaking out through writing, talking, observing and living. I saw my heart tear as my brain tried to explain to my hot blood what it means to love deeply. I know what it means to have and to hold, and to be in a dilemma stuck between dreams and reality.

I guess parts of my past still have a way to capture me and influence me. I understand that I heal through speaking a lot about my past but not present. 

Breath, breathe, breathing…

You feel what you feel

Fire, life, emotions, sadness and laughter

All these feelings coming at once

I lay myself on stones wondering

How did I come this far?

Shoes in the background with labels

I never really cared about labels anyway

Never really cared about wealth or poverty

It would never impress me at all

I realize all I ever wanted was happiness

Laughter, passion and good spirits

People caring for each other

Not being alone

I see old and young mix together

No shame but just living life

Alone in my thoughts I struggle to understand

The current human nature

Just how far we must go to make other people’s lives hell

Haven’t we had hell already?

Tasted, bathed and swam in it?

Haven’t we had enough of bashing and guilt tripping?

What do we gain from this endless torture?

Where is our love and laughter?

I lay down eyes closed, listening to the waves

Strong waves I hear

Strong enough to bring me to my knees

But still I want to stand straight

Something keeps me up there

Strong and steady

My legs weakening but the blood inside boiling

Ready to pour over every single detail

Burst in flames of laughter and sadness

Where is the bird that sang the beautiful love song?

Steadily I come to my final dream

Nothing really matters

Just the sea, the sand, the stones and good memories

I feel what I feel

And you feel what you feel

Birdstrike

I can’t say how it was for the birds

All the way to the engine

Sad the life ended like that

Pretty fast and quick 

Pretty little pieces of tiny feathers remain

Yet so high in the sky we remain

Our heads and brains stuck in one machine

Connected by one chain of air in the tube

It’s one of those many moments I exhale

I look back and smile with shyness

Indeed, how lucky we are for life full of laughter?

Yes, all is possible

Yes, we can! I tell myself

A life full of laughter and good spirits

C’est la vie!

She knows.

She thought I didn’t know

I knew all along and smiled at her

Invited her to dinner parties and even let her be close to him

I knew that she made him happy

I let him sleep in the same bed with her

I let him caress her and seduce her in front of my eyes

She was bubbly creature and seductive princess

I was happy when he was happy

Never for one second doubted his love for me

But here we are now

All done with our ghosts and skeletons

Time to go back to reality

Smile and fake happiness in our institution

For a sparrow will come out soon to feed

You are not

 You are not  going to turn me into something that I am not

You are not going to make me feel sad 

If I feel sad, it will not be because of you

You are not going to make me doubt myself
You are not going to turn this on me and make me the reason for your behaviour
I struggle with my emotions and already have let go

I come from a home of love despite all forms of abuse

I come from a mindset of hope and positive energy despite what you’ve gone through

I seek freedom, life and laughter and not only look back at worst moments

I desire deep love and affection and sacredness of the spirit

I need free mind coupled with the desire to explore and be anything I want to be

I know nothing can stop me from achieving my dream

Yet this little piece of puzzle makes me hesitate

I am not going to accept it to pull me down

To make me stop loving, sharing, caring

I remember the days I was truly happy and in love

I remember the days when my emotions were full of optimism and freedom

How can a love that claims to be divine habour such negativity and hurtful words

I want to fly high

I want to let go completely

Before my heart is filled with hatred and disgust

For when my heart gets to that point

There shall be no deliverance

I don’t want to hate

I don’t want to despise

I want to remember only good times

I want to remember only love

You are not going to make me hate you

You are not…