Truth is I am not sure what the impact of this letter I wrote was. My partner was going through rough moments then, in terms of work, love affairs or friendships. Here we are, back at the same place. My light flickering as I got no more charge left. Part of me feels that I would write the same exact letter now. Yet, somehow something inside me turned when I was going through this letter that I wrote years ago. Chilling. Thoughtful.
One key take away for me now is importance of having someone believe in you and also learning to believe in myself.
Dear my love,
I felt like writing this to you today.
I can imagine sometimes it might feel strange and a bit undermining for you every time I’m talking about my future career plans or perhaps thoughts of next big steps for my future career or what I would like to do with my life, when you on the other hand feel like you are a bit lost or fighting for basic things – a decent job, decent friendships or even decent career. I know how it is hard sometimes when you feel that I fail to put myself in your shoes to try and understand what you feel. When all I can say is things will get better someday, sometime. That’s me, I have always been optimistic. I know that sometimes you feel uncertain of the future and the desire to make things work for yourself and me, and if it happens, our future family together, if it ever will happen. I know when it feels like when you have to say that the only thing that makes you happy is when you drink and are drunk, but at the same time fighting not to accept the demons or angels within you, which only you can fight or listen to respectively. I’m sorry for everything you have been through that makes you doubt your ways now, tomorrow or in the future. I would very much like to take those feelings away from you especially NOW. I would like to say, like I said times and times again, I do believe in you, always have and always will. I do believe that there is so much potential and so much good in you, the good that I saw and felt when I fell in love with you. The good that I see that wants to make things better, for you, for me, for the people you love and care about, and for everyone in the World. I do not know what the future holds, but I know this one thing for certain, nothing is more powerful that someone who believes in you even when you don’t believe in yourself. Someone who sees what you can do and the potential you have always had and will have. Nothing is even thousand or million times more powerful if you believe in yourself, and believe that you can make it. It is completely normal at every stage of your life if you ever feel unsure of what to do next or feeling not satisfied with your current place or situation somehow. Even millionaires, world leaders and thinkers at one point have been unsure of where they were or were headed, and then did something about it. Some still are struggling to be sure of themselves despite how much achievement in life they have. It is human nature to feel, to hurt and to want. I feel that too. Many times.
So here it is. I would love to support you all the way in many decisions that you make, or maybe inspire you, be a shoulder to lean or cry on, laugh with you at good times and cry when things do not work, figure our next big steps together as well as look together in the past and try to see what we can change or do better. At some point, we will compromise, we will fight, we will hurt each other miserably, but I don’t think of anyone I can do all these things with except with you. As one of your favourite once sang, ‘just the two of us, we can make it if we try’…
So…please, please, darling please, don’t look back too much. And even when you do, consider you have had all pleasures in life and the good times where you had no worries, and you still have many ahead especially after all you have been through – especially losing Tanya – your greatest love whom I know you’ll never stop loving. And maybe also while we are married losing your little love infatuations or affair episodes with Vanitah and Lilian, and others that their names don’t come to my mind now.
Also, with former jobs and disappointments of bad news for jobs that you had applied for. You can start all over again, with a clean slate, knowing that you have a ziel as Germans call it.
I will be here to support you in your next steps and cannot wait to be a part of it. Whatever may happen, whatever decisions we may take, I hope we do not lose the basic light that we need to take us to the next. I am happy and thankful of all the support you have given me all this time. Now, please don’t hold it against me and let not the things you have done for me or other people let you down because people would not give back the same decency and support or friendships you introduce them to. Let us never expect good for doing good.
Jump, fly and work it all out in the way you know best! And I am right behind you, ahead of you, sometimes beside you and deeply with you, all the way be it physically, emotionally, spiritually or in any possible way a partner and a soulmate can ever be.