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Total eclipse of the heart

I liked or maybe loved too much

To see that nothing could work out between us

At first I was a free spirit

I was open about my fantasies and wants

I was truthful about my desire and needs

He knew my past and present

Even when we had to hide to freely love

Without conditions and expectations

But slowly I fell into his charms

Slowly he made so many promises he cannot seem to keep

Now I have no choice

I wonder if the spark is gone

The need to hide again comes back

I was wrong to think we could overcome this together

I was clear that I would not take his side

I meant that and will always mean it

Because despite the strength on the outside

It feels like guilt inside and all over

I cannot hold it together anymore

I know that I am crashing

Dark smoke, wind blowing and small noises are all that I hear

And yet I speak out what hurt

Because I know where I came from and where I am headed

I know that even though he says he loves me

We both know we are crashing now or soon

We can feel that our thoughts are no longer there

We can see that the carelessness has increased

The only thing that will remain is the deep feeling

I worry about her and care deeply

If you ask why I worry about her I wouldn’t tell you

For it is complex, sacred and scary

I feel just a tiny element of what she feels and carries

With so much grace and dignity

Maybe somehow I see myself in her

Such breathtaking beauty and strength

And her overwhelming love and artistic self

Looking into her eyes you see a mix of everything

I see, feel and know that she knows

Yet, with her open arms she invites me, listens and cares deeply

I am not sure I can trust again, completely

I think the other devil is out on a leash and ready to devour anything

On the other hand, I am like a zombie

Already dead from all the hurt and pain that I seem to block out

Where are we headed now?

Or is it really a total eclipse of the heart?

Time to sort out your mess

​The more I think about it, the more I want to do this for me. I want an end, as quickly as possible. I choose to want to better myself and my heart deserves to be the heart that you met in 2011. Maybe one day you will really work on your deeper issues. We both know it goes deeper. Its not only me you’d be angry at and write those words to. Somewhere deep inside you are deeply jealous and controlling, and cover it with overflowing version of your love. I hope that one day, you will get to the healing part of this.

As for the new woman, I really don’t care. I wish I did. For me, it is the broken trust, promises and togetherness. Its gone, completely.

What’s left for me is flying! I fly up high. Bon temps mon amor

I feel good today

One of those days that I decided to let go completely. For weeks I was under emotional stress, realising that the person whom I wanted, chose to  spend the rest of my life with, was toxic for my health and wellbeing.

I did find comfort in the arms of someone I care about deeply. He did not judge me, even though once before I told him I would never give up on my marriage. I was so sure then, that nothing would make me think twice. Somehow along the way it began to occur that there was nothing I could do, not to argue. Somehow the problems began to magnify and seem so hard to compromise. And the wounds seemed to be cut again and again, and I felt like I would never feel good again.

Toxic people do take away the love and the smile you always have. They do enjoy when they have the slightest idea that without them, you are nothing. They have only one thing in their mind – to control you with emotions of jealousy and that you are not good enough. Toxic people tend to exagerrate on how much they have done in your life that you would never repay them. They seem to forget that you have been there with them, through the way guiding and supporting them reach their goal. Oh, toxic partner will never appreciate that you are right, eve when they know the damn truth that you are. 

Toxic people will aim to make you feel like it is your fault to end the toxic relationship. And that they will alwayd want to be the victims of heartbreak while they smile in their little corners with their lovers. Yes, they will tell you horrible words that you never heard in your life and blame you for saying those words. They will tell you, you started that shit.

I do feel good because for once I am really taking steps in removing the toxicity from my life. My friend told me I had lost focus and slowed down. Yes, he saw through me, I did slow down. It is so difficult to heal when you are on the receiving end. But I get back up and focud on things that make me better. Things that develop me. And of course, back to cooking and learning new recipes!

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When they stop texting, calling, feeling and finally caring.

I believe being open about our feelings not only to our partners, but also to our friends or people we care about and are attracted to is important. 

In relationships of any kind, keeping away honest feelings from each other destroys the trust, and brings up insecurities. There are moments when we fall in love so quickly and fall out as quickly. When you find yourself thinking what happened to once a great bond that you had, which after sometime you feel gone. And that your partner or someone you admire is shifting his attention, or has become somewhat very busy. When she stops responding asap to your texts, when she gives excuses to spend time with you or when he seems to constanly make promises he can’t seem to keep. Or when they withhold certain information from you and give you the classical answer “I think something is wrong with me, I am the problem, not you”. 

Options for you

Plan A. Talk openly about your observations if the discussion is going to be genuine and open from both of you. There should be no hurting of feelings or emotional abuse or blaming each other.

Plan B. Run away as fast as you can or plan your exit strategy (my favourite). Don’t let yourself get hurt. You matter and are very important! 

Plan C. If you think there is an element, of staying friends, then retract your affections. Find a place to shift them. Try block your feelings by making yourself busy. Afterall, forgive, forget and move on. We live once! No hard feelings.

In addition, here are some red flags to take note of. and to help keep you from losing your mind with ‘WHY ME’ questions. Get your sanity back and avoid confrontation.

a. When they become too busy to call or text as they used to.

Nobody is too busy not to send a quick text or respond to your text more than four or five hours. Especially if its someone you supposedly love or attracted to. Avoid asking the question “why don’t you text me or why don’t you reply my texts”. Isn’t it obvious? You don’t matter, you dropped down the list. Get yourself busy too but not too busy for people you care about like friends or family who will always be there for you and with you.

b. When they make up excuses anytime you are supposed to meet or hang out.

This is a big red flag. When they start making up every single excuse not to see you, especially if this goes on for a while. Don’t bother asking why you cannot see them! It is obvious – no time for you plus they don’t want to see you, at least for that moment. Check the options above. 

c. When you see them online but he won’t read your messages or respond to you. Sometimes even typing something to you but never send it through.

Well, this is a big one. People who have other sources of entertainment and new adventure will always be online. Perhaps an exciting new whatsapp group, or exciting new person they recently met. Its not your fault that they stopped writing to you. We are humans! Again, you are not important as you used to be. Do not do the frequent mistake that people do – writing to them and say you see that they are constantly online on whatsapp, Facebook or Instagram. Damn, just understand my basic point. You are not on the top list anymore. Other important issues could be at stake, like chatting with Trump to reverse all his executive orders! So, don’t disturb 🙂

d. When they switch off their mobile phone

Everybody has one of those daysdays when they want to stay out of touch. Well, if you call and do not find them, leave a message. If they don’t return your message, just leave them alone. They will come back to you one day. 

Any more suggestions or red flags? Comment below! 

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Another morning…

It is true when they say the road to recovering from sexual or emotional abuse is long and bumpy. It takes lots of energy and will power. Sometimes the memories make you want not to get out of bed, to stay hidden and not want to see people. I promise you, there will be those days that you will want to lock yourself up from the outside world.

Like this morning, all I want is to be in my room and not leave. Just keep on reading all messages that he sent me, the recordings where he was threatening me and staring at some of our lovely pictures during our best moments.

Even though I am deeply hurt, my spirit is free, has always been free. As I listen to this angry voice and breaking of bottles and banging of tables and walls, I can’t believe I stayed all that while. I must admit at some point through the recordings I found myself really missing him. Isn’t that weird?

No, it is not. Somehow deep inside this person was my soul mate, my partner, my love and the greatest supporter ever. I felt free and that I could achieve anything I wanted. I was sure of his love and support through the good and the bad times. We grew together in mind and spirit. He enriched my heart and mind with greatest art. We were open and people always wowed at our open, yet kind and beautiful relationship. Our friends, social and professional colleagues liked us as a pair. He was a charming man and that I will forever keep in my heart.


But all this came at a price, at least this is what I think. The emotional abuse and insecure feelings and awful word that none would dare listen to. I think he was scared that I would leave him. I remember the first time immediately we started living together, I packed my bags after one of his famous outbursts. He hit the wall, the table, kicked things because people were unfair to him and did not keep their word. He turned it on me because I was leaving to stay with my cousin. I made it clear I was scared of his outbursts. I left in the middle of the night, in a not so very safe place. Well, four years later, I had many of those occasions where I would leave but then go back after a few days.

The cost of me being silent was his best. He would shout and raise his voice so much that even the neighbours would be scared. Of course, nobody dared to show up. In my country, people took it to be normal. I remember when he would lose it on the streets, some would laugh at him, laugh at me and think he is mad.

Sometimes when we are in love we cannot see what the other person is doing to us or vice versa. We take it to be normal, because we do not want to risk leaving. I guess they take advantage of our weakness. I read somewhere that when one gets out of an abusive relationship, it is easier for one to start analyzing and think that they somehow contributed to the abuse.

I did think so. I thought it was my fault. I thought I partially contributed to his behaviour. His anger outbursts. Or when I left him at the bar alone because he started saying nasty things to me. Or when I told him not to do something bad, or when I advised him to be careful about other women, young girls especially for our health sake. For not respecting him enough as he constantly mentioned to me. For not being there for him – I don’t know how or what this meant. All those and many other reasons, I felt that it was my fault.

My family had seen his reactions and also gotten used to that. We thought, maybe it is different culture, maybe it’s just so hard for him to integrate or understand how we do things. Maybe its just his nature. Everyone just simply made excuses for his behaviour because of his good, charming personality. He would make everyone happy and cheerful – when he was drunk. He would be the most generous person ever when he was drunk.

Now, I look back and say it was not my fault. There is absolutely no excuse for being abusive. I may have been a victim, but I am no longer a victim. I had a choice to stand up for myself and my family. I could not understand where pure hatred of his, would come from. I thought I could help him, that my natural kindness, warm spirit and not keeping grudges would somehow help neutralise situations when he got angry and depressed.

I think he feared my spirit. He was jealous of my strong spirit. He knew my story, my determination, my thirst for being the best despite many obstacles. He knew my selfless nature and desire to bring others under my wings. He knew my resistance to influence. He saw me evolve, grow and become the person I am today. He believes he contributed to it.

Today, I hope I get the strength to be the best that I have always wanted to be and could ever be. To help others struggling with emotionally straining and abusive relationships find peace again. To be there, to listen, to love and to hold those who feel vulnerable. For when you have been there, seen it all, your arms are always open to anyone who is going through these difficult moments. Without any judgement.

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Molested childhood

Well, someone once wrote that I am not to blame for something that happened to me as a child. I was four, young, talkative and jumpy creature. My father was proud to take me with him for little safaris and trips from the village to the big city. I loved to see big buildings and for once see running tap water. I wasn’t used to this because I was brought up in a tiny village, no electricity, no running water and as crazy as it may sound, we did not have a toilet. I would use a plastic bag and throw it to the bushes close by.

I remember vividly as if it happened yesterday. I remember my cousin’s big fat fingers getting inside my vagina. My father had taken us to visit his sister in the city and this is where it happened. I remember my other female cousin too, also four, being molested by our big male cousin. He put his hand and something very itchy called ‘Robb’ into our pussies that we screamed with pain and started crying. Robb would be used oftenly to soothe muscle pain, just like deep heat, and cannot be used on open wounds or even vagina. I remember telling my father about it, trying to form words to explain what really happened to me. He never got it as  he never understood! And even if he did understand, what would he do about it? My father was not the kind of person who would think that I was being  molested. If he knew, my guess was he could never lay his finger on his sister’s son, or even raise the issue with his sister. Not that I support physical abuse, but that was the only way my father would punish someone. I still remember this ordeal vividly.

Then, I was 10 when my 32 year old uncle forced his manhood inside my mouth. I looked up to him and he was such a good person. I never knew he would do that to me. He relieved his pleasures inside my mouth and I remember choking and crying so much that I refused to eat for three days. My aunt never knew what was going on with me. I always knew somehow noone would believe me. I felt like it was a normal thing that adults do to children.

I talked to my mother about it later in life and she was sorry I had to go through that and she never knew. Of course, she wouldn’t have known. She had her own issues that she had to go through. Horrible situations and past. I never wanted to burden her with my issues. That’s where I went wrong. Of course, she told me, I am your mother! What did you think? I never told her about my uncle though. That would hurt her deeply.

Why do I bring this up? I remind myself that each of us have a past. Some are awful and we want to forget them, while some are beautiful and we always want to remember. I wish I could forget my past and completely and enjoy some things that I now despise. Those that would take me back to those moments.

Maybe I was blinded so much by abusive behaviour that I felt it was somehow normal for my partner to say abusive words. It was almost certain that I wanted him to despise me, to send me to hell, to call me a bitch. Because I never really did heal from the past. Somehow, I wanted that feeling, where I would feel worthless. I would give him a pass because I had already been through all that, worse than his abusive words.

Now, I lay down my bed after a bath and look at my body carefully and in detail. How did I get to that point? When I felt so worn out? I promise myself that I would never look down on myself, ever again. What happened in my childhood was not my fault. What happened in my marriage was not my fault. I did not have a choice as a child, but I had a choice as a young, married woman. I have a choice now as a young, intelligent and visionary woman. To heal, to love without borders, to enjoy my freedom and sexuality, to experience new loves and excitements and to be hopeful of a good future. I hope that any child would never go through any form of sexual abuse. It really does traumatize and by sharing my story and writing this, I hope that I can put this past behind.

Talking to a friend who listens and doesn’t judge is always a good move. Often, I think people have already their own problems to deal with and so I do not speak out. But one good friend of mine told me, always speak up. Talk to one good friend who will listen to you. I did do it. It was helpful. Its the reason I am writing and sharing today.

My story is not unique. Have you or someone you know gone through such a trauma? Do share how you got to heal or how you dealt with it.

If You Act Like You’re Okay, No One Will Notice You’re Dying Inside — Thought Catalog

Unsplash, Matheus FerreroI’ve always managed to hide my catastrophic thoughts beneath a smile. People never question things once they see how fine you are. That’s the ugly truth that I’ve learned to accept. My friends and family never questioned the times when I suddenly excused myself and locked myself in the bathroom for at least ten…

via If You Act Like You’re Okay, No One Will Notice You’re Dying Inside — Thought Catalog

You are not alone

My friend just wrote me that I am not alone. His words like magic reminded me of not to look weak. Yes, I am not alone! I wrote back.

There are millions of women, men, children around the world laying awake, no food, no clean air, no love, no happiness. it is still 3am. I cannot sleep.

Yet here I am having this feeling, I really really REALLY wanna be held. For what? Just because I had a rough emotionally abusive relationship that just dawned on me recently that it really was? And after ending my marriage for what? Maybe I just needed a diversion to finally understand that I was indeed being emotionally abused. I was strong. Even though it isn’t what it was last year, I am happy I did somehow got over this abusive marriage. Well, I still haven’t…little steps. I will one day. I will get by. I will focus on my work, my studies, my family and my friends.

And you know that saying when you really need someone and they just get cold on you? Well, its true. Sometimes, it hurts, people do get scared when you pour your emotions unto them. Damn, since when did I get this emotional? But when will he or she come to me? Come for me? Haha…the answer is never.

So you wipe your tears girl, get the fuck up and fight, and be there for others, when they need you. When they want you, when they need you. You stand up for them. You be there for them. For one day, you will need them by your side, you will need someone to hold you, to care for you. To love you. And you will find her, you will find him.

One day, you will feel rejected. You will hurt deeply. You will know it is not that rosy. But somehow, you’ll still get up and fight, and not look down on yourself. We, those who never show our emotions, those who love without hating, those who see the beauty of love in places others would never see, those who were in the game and started loving again. Feeling again. Those, who were numb and just got their feelings back. Running through, emotional and sky scrapping through. Those, who would rather not pursue because someone will get hurt, people will get hurt, there will be chaos. Well, we do care. And do try to be the bestre versions of ourselves.

Yes puppy doll, you are not alone. So, drop that phone by your bedside table and go to sleep.

August 18.

I remember this day. He wrote to me that he would throw my poor mother to the garbage. For that was where she  belonged. He claimed my mother stole food. Of course, this hurt me to the core. He hurt me deeply that I was not going to ever forgive him for that. This woman went through hell to bring me up. To make me a woman I am today. She is kind, polite, strong, incredibly powerful woman who taught me to love everyone no matter who they are or where they come from. Of course, like any other relationship, my mother and I disagree about some issues, as she is coming to terms with modernity. Most of our lives were spent in rural area, being poor was no new news. 
Back to my husband, well, I couldn’t believe it had reached that point. He had always said inhumane things and I let him say those things. How am I different from him by not raising my voice? I sat down, I listen, I watched him tear every shred of love and affection I had for him.

He blamed me for being in his situation. He blamed me for not respecting him. He constantly reminded me that he was the provider and had been supporting us for all those years. He destroyed every respect I had for him. 

What more respect could I possibly have for a once beautiful soul, caring about others seeking to be self destructive and a victim? He yelled at me for not being there for him when he needed me most. Even when I was so far from him, I still was scared. Scared of his hurtful words. Of his abusive words. Once he was such a gentle soul. I still wonder what drastically changed.

He would say, life is not fair. I would say, “I know it isn’t. People will stab you in the backmeeting. People will fail on their promises. People will take advantage of you, for your goodness. What you do is get up and fight. Don’t give up, don’t repay evil with evil”. I told him that. I told him to fight, legally. I told him to save for future. To invest. He did not believe in that. He constantly loved throwing parties and wasting money. Only to hit him later, that there is really nothing to save, when he really should have.

He knew I was right. He hated that I was right. He despised it when I was the parent seeking best for both of us. He hated that I could know something that he did not. He hated my calmness. He despised my vision for the future. That I could somehow, be better than when we met. He constantly told me I would be nothing if he did not take me out of my village. 

Somehow, I still do care for him. Love? I don’t know. Maybe deep inside, I still do keep good memories. If I could for a glimpse, see that warm side of him, if I could go back five years ago, then maybe things would be different.

For now, I stay away, probably will stay alone for a while. I am not ready for another form of emotional abuse. I hope one day to meet someone that deserves my love. I will take slow but steady steps to heal. Heal my hurt, heal my soul. 

Yet, I worry for the other girl he is supposedly seeing. Well, the one who broke us up. She is under the same abusive cycle. She is taking it and will be charmed by his good charms, that he loves her. He will manipulate her into thinking he is, and will be, the only man in the world who can ever love her. He will adore her but also send her very evil messages. He will accuse her of incredibly false things. He has already done all these, while still loving me deeply. He made her cry, made her wish she did not deserve him. I wish she knew. I wanted to meet her, to tell her, to share with her. She was in love with him. She wants me out. She hates that he has me. She hates that I am the wife. I guess I would never really hate another persons wife or girlfriend, no matter how much in love I woukd be with the man. I cannot see myself hating. Even now, when I recall the hurtful words, I would never hate. Oh, and she also had enough and supposedly slapped him. I never raised my hand on him nor did he raise his hand on me. But his words, were hurtful as a sword.

I thought that maybe one day he will learn to work on his insecurities. That one day he will have the warrior spirit. That one day he will appreciate the love he receives. And one day, he will stop being the victim. 

Giving up is not a language I understand. But on my marriage, yes, I did give up. Maybe something made me realise I am something special, that I deserve better? Well, my eyes opened. I really do deserve better and so do all the other women all over the world! I won’t shut up.